Failure…

Failure is a funny word to me, because I truly believe that we rarely utterly fail at something.  Sometimes, it is simply a matter of perception.  Follow along with me for just a moment on that thought before we get into the meat of this topic.

Below is a series of photographs from a wedding, several years ago.  At the time, I owned my own confectionary.  This was not my first big event, but it was my first wedding.  The bride wanted a confection bar full of candies, sweets, and treats.  She didn’t want a traditional wedding cake at all.  We decided upon some cupcake towers and a small cake at the top, which was adorned with their wedding topper and serve for the “cake cutting” part of the reception.

What you see here is a very well executed plan, right?  Wrong.  I had a MAJOR failure.  I promised her Jolly Rancher Cotton Candy.  I woke up that morning to make the fresh cotton candy, only to find that there was just too much humidity in air.  The cotton candy, which I had made dozens of times before, was melting before I could even bag it.  So, I bought some cotton candy that was pre-made and portioned it out into the bags.

The bride was happy, there were no gaping holes in the table set up, and there was not a single bag of cotton candy left over.

I failed.  Yes, it was due to circumstances outside of my control… but I still failed to deliver what I promised.  Even if, ultimately, I was really the only one who knew about the failure.

 

The next large event I catered was for a fundraiser.  I met with the planning team and they presented an adorable center piece concept.  They brought out super cute little tiered dessert stands. The plan was to have the stand filled with cupcakes. There would be a giant cupcake “topper”.  The small cupcakes were part of the dessert for the evening.  They would have table drawings for the centerpiece (inclusive of the giant cupcake topper, plus an additional 1 dozen mini cupcakes).  In addition they wanted gift bags for the VIP sponsor tables.  I was super excited to get started.  I measured out the centerpiece they provided to determine the number of cupcakes that it would hold.  Sent them a quote.  The order was set.

When I arrived the morning of the event to set up, to my shock… the tiered center pieces had be replaced.  They made the decision to go with something nicer, which was the right decision.  However, they neglected to inform me of the change.  These new centerpieces were MUCH larger.  Almost twice the width on every tier.  I placed the topper, the dozen mini cupcakes, and it was SPARSE.  I flagged down the coordinator, explained the problem, and she made the decision we would forgo the dozen cupcakes as part of the table prize and instead use them to fill up the tiers.

The following Monday, I received an email from the main chairperson.  She wanted a partial refund because I failed to produce the dozen cupcakes per table for the prize.  She was never informed by the coordinator, and thought I had shorted their order.  I explained what happened, who authorized the decision to use them, and apologize profusely.   In her response, she was very kind and canceled the request for the refund.  However, I never received another order from her or their organization again.

In this case there was a perception that I failed.  I knew that I hadn’t, and that I met my obligations.  However, based on what she could see… the chairperson perceived that I failed to come through.

This weekend I was reading an blog piece in which the author was brutally raw about her feelings, as she declared that Jesus had failed her family that year.  I was really stumped by those words. Jesus… who is perfect, flawless, dependable, truth… failed you?  I couldn’t understand it.  It didn’t seem possible.

In all the years of unanswered prayers, I’ve never felt like Jesus let me down.  Not once.  I can’t think of a time where I looked up to the heavens and declared “Lord, you really let me down this time.  I needed you to come through.”  I was struggling with every single time her words “Jesus failed me” flew past my eyes.  Yet, I not offended … angry … or hollering out “heretic”.

Perhaps, that is because in all of those times where things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to… I blamed myself.  I told myself that the reason my prayer wasn’t answered or the Lord didn’t show up was because I failed Him.  I feel like I fail God daily.  I never feel good enough.  I question why in the world He would want to use me in ministry.

What I realized was that how we see things was very different.  I was seeing failure in the way I described the first scenario.  In some way, I failed to deliver on my end of the bargain… even if I did my best.  Even if I made up for it in someway.  Even if no one in the world knew or cared about it.  I knew.  I failed.  My focus was there on that place where I failed, versus the ways that I succeeded.

The woman who wrote the blog piece was more akin to my second example.  She was the chairperson who had expectations on how things were going to turn out.  She brought in the right people, and through no fault of her own in that scenario, something wasn’t right.  She turned to the person she trusted to come through, and she said “you failed me”.

You see, she ascertained that failure based on the limited amount of information she had.  She didn’t know that the centerpieces were different sizes, or that it would make a difference in the end product presentation.  She didn’t know that I was never informed of the change.  She wasn’t brought into the decision making being done on the spot to accommodate the changes, nor filled in after the fact of what happened & why.

When the Lord is working out things for us, we are not always clued in to what is going on in the background.  We can’t always see the people or situations that the Lord is coordinating into just the right places, at just the right times.  In fact, sometimes we never will.  We may never see those fingerprints where God was moving mountains and mustard seeds.  So, when the end product (or process) isn’t what we expected… we may feel like God failed us.  He didn’t come through.

On the other hand, we can become so focused on all of the areas where we ARE messing up… that we think we have failed God to the point He is ignoring us.  We may think He is deliberately keeping blessing from us.  We may even think that he is disciplining us.

In the first case, we are so focused on our perception of the situational outcome that we can’t see those who kept their word and did their part.  We don’t appreciate the people who were pressed into hard decisions.  We lose the ability to give people the benefit of the doubt.  We make assumptions, assign unjust blame.  Our vision becomes clouded to the work God is doing, the blessings that are coming, the people who did care, and the hundreds of little ways God came through with something BETTER.  Jesus never fails us, we just perceive that He did because we didn’t get the outcome we desired.

Or, we become so focused on how wrong and sinful we are.  We become so inwardly focused that we beat ourselves up, disqualify ourselves, and stamp FAILURE on our foreheads.  We make vows to never try again, step away from commitments or ministry work, and wallow in how terrible we think we are.  We put up our hands to the Lord, shouting STOP… I can’t be used.  I’m a failure, not Jesus.

Christ died because we are failures at keeping God’s statutes and commands.  Throughout the Old Testament, on a repetitive cycle…   God would move, the people would celebrate, the people would forget, the people would fall & cry out, and God would rescue.  By the time of the New Testament, when Jesus enters the arena… God’s ultimate plan of redemption for his people who just can’t keep it together on their own.  In her piece, she repeated a few times that she waited for Jesus to rescue her… and He didn’t.  I would contend… HE ALREADY DID, ON CALVARY.

And, in that moment we were given victory over sin and death.  We are not failures, but perfected in Him.  By His stripes we are healed.  We need to keep our eyes on Him, not ourselves.  Trusting His word, even when we don’t understand what is happening around us… or God seems quiet or far.

Then, I read the article a 2nd time.  Something else jumped out at me, and we are going to talk about that next time.

Forgiveness & Reconciliation

A few weeks ago, I was sitting through our weekly small group meeting.  We took a bold step and decided to tackle Authentic Intimacy’s Passion Pursuit.  Dr. Juli Slattery began to discuss the importance of forgiveness in healing and improving our marriages.  She also delved into the need to forgive past hurts in order to move forward.   Something she said jumped out at me:

The acknowledgement that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. 

As she waded through the waters of forgiveness, the words FREEDOM were key.  Forgiveness leads to freedom because what ever that wrong was, it no longer holds on to us.  However, reconciliation may not be possible.  Perhaps the other person hasn’t apologized, hasn’t repented because they do not believe they were wrong.  Or, perhaps they took ownership of their wrong doing but for your own safety you can not resume a reconciled relationship with the person.  In some instances the person may have died, moved away, etc and there isn’t a way to even reach out and start a reconciliation process.  However, we can still forgive them and more forward.  This forgiveness does not free them from the CONSEQUENCES of their actions, it does however free us from being held captive by that person or situation any longer.

I walked away that evening reflecting on several situations through the years that cause me distress.  I thought of the scriptures that call us to forgive and reconcile.  I felt like a failure in many ways because even despite my willingness to forgive, there were relationships that were not reconciled.  I had sold myself to believe that I couldn’t more forward until reconciliation had happened.   I resolved that those relationships wouldn’t necessarily reconcile to what they once were, but that to at least be on “civil terms” would be enough.  When that couldn’t happen, I felt like I failed.

Now, that burden was lifted.  I had permission to walk in that freedom of forgiveness, even I was walking alone and the other parties were not ready to join up yet.  Today, I watched a video from The Gospel Coalition on forgiveness without repentance.  One of the things I took away from the video is:

Reconciliation requires repentance and forgiveness from both sides.

It can’t be both sides saying they are sorry, and no one changes.

It can’t be a change of behavior by both sides, without anyone actually apologizing.

It can’t be an exchange of apologies, modified behaviors, when one or both don’t truly forgive.

Forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation may not come in that exact order & not all at one time.  It may be a process that can span days, months, or even years to complete.  Reconciliation may not even come this side of heaven. 

If we have chosen to forgive, and if we have identified our own mistakes and repented… we may have to be okay with reconciliation’s slow arrival.  If it even comes at all. 

For each of us lies the responsibility of our own actions.  Have we come to God and asked Him to reveal if we are part of the problem?  Is there more to this than being sinned against?  Are we too guilty of sinning against the other person?  If you have a trusted mentor, have you shared the situation with them and sought their counsel and guidance? 

Once you have taken an honest look at yourself, if there is a need for you to apologize then you are responsible for taking the step of repentance and seeking forgiveness.  Then you can also extend your forgiveness to the other person and work toward reconciliation, should both parties agree.  However, if you are truly the only one who was sinned against and the other person is unwilling to repent and ask for forgiveness… you can still choose to forgive as Christ has forgiven.

All of our sins are against a perfect God, who has done nothing wrong to us.  Yet He is able to forgive our sins and cast them to the oceans depths.  If the Lord can forgive me, how can I not forgive those who sin against me?  Reconciliation may not happen, but that doesn’t mean that forgiveness is impossible.

The scriptures state that as much as it is possible, and is up to me, to live at peace with everyone.  Reconciliation isn’t entirely up to me, it takes both parties to happen.  But forgiveness is a choice I can make to bring peace into my heart, life, and relationships.  Then we can lean into trusting the Lord to do the work in the other person, and if reconciliation is possible it will happen under the guidance of the Holy Spirit’s conviction.

When we forgive, we can live in the freedom of Peace.  I choose Peace.

So… I saw Bad Moms, and I laughed.

In case you don’t have any clue what movie I am talking about, here is a promo shot:

First, I’d like to admit right out of the gate I didn’t walk into this movie with naive expectations.  The trailers gave a pretty good indication that there would be some inappropriate humor.  Second, I am not planning on giving away any spoilers.  There were definitely some parts I thought the movie could have lived without, not only for the story line but even in the presentation.  Sometimes it could go too far.  Third, there were some parts of this that were REALLY unrealistic when you are talking about any group of moms.  Lastly, there were also a LOT of truths.

Overall, I laughed and I laughed hard.  At one point I laughed so hard (as I was taking a sip from my straw) that I pushed air through the straw, which caused a small tidal wave in my cup, and that resulted in my drink landing in my eyes.  Which just caused a whole other fit of laughter for myself and those sitting around me.  I laughed until I cried and my stomach hurt.  Yet, there were some moments that I nodded in solidarity.  There were moments that were uncomfortable.  And, yes… as I said before totally unnecessary.

What I want to write about (and I’m up for conversation too) is WHY a movie like this not only resonated with moms but was drawing us in like moths to a flame.

My first thought is probably the most obvious, there is an enormous amount of pressure on moms to be it all, do it all, and do so perfectly.  Whether it is the perfect birthday party, bento box lunches, or simply making it to every school and sport activity… we feel the pressure.  We notice so much of what is around us, like the mom who has the perfect hair and make up in the parent pick up line… when we were struggling to get out of the house with a bra under our pajama shirt.  We see the kids with the perfectly styled hair, accessories, and sparkling white sneakers…. and we just spent the last 40 minutes looking for eyeglasses or a belt.  Other moms dropping their kids off early, and we are 10 minutes late because we had to go back home and pick up the flute that was left behind… or because our darling child took 15 minutes to brush her teeth.

How do these moms do it?  We cast shade in their direction, but really we are asking ourselves… why can’t I do it?

I think there are a number of moms who have run the scenario through their head of just saying no.  No to the requests by the husband, kids, school, coaches, etc.  An opportunity to just walk away from the pressure and enjoy life again.  To make the choice of not being the perfect mom anymore, and instead be the bad mom.

This brings me to my second thought, as you watch the trailers you see a group of women having fun. We are not talking bunko party fundraiser fun, but the kind of fun we had as teenagers  and young single adults.  The fun we had when we didn’t care what others thought, where it was ok to be silly, and there was an expected freedom in the general knowledge we were going to make mistakes and bad choices.  It takes us back to a time when we didn’t have to be an adult, and could just let loose and be free.

With motherhood came some sort of unwritten code of conduct, that we couldn’t be silly anymore.  We began to take everything too seriously, including ourselves.  Let’s face it, books and the advice of television “experts” reinforced this.  Reminding us over and over again that it was time to grow up, put away childish things, and get our heads out of the clouds.  As we did this, many of us sent fun sailing away for good.  We stopped smiling, we stopped laughing, and we stopped being silly.

The movie Bad Moms called out to that free spirit inside of us, that desperately wanted to laugh… and laugh hard.  So, it pulls out all the stops.  The women let loose in a way we couldn’t, and we live vicariously through them.  They say the things that roll through our minds & do the things we secretly wished we could.  (Ok, maybe not all of the things they say and do, but you get the point).

I also believe this appeals to Christian women so deeply because of the bar that is set for our expected behavior.  If other moms are feeling the pressure to be perfect in their every day life, Christian moms understand the additional expectations put on the Christian mom.  To have perfect children that love Jesus, quote the bible, volunteer with the elderly, and gladly donate all their birthday money to the missions fund.  To be women who are serious about the study of the Lord, leading small groups, inviting women over to mentor and pray together, to dress in simple clothes, and be ever diligent in our choices of entertainment.  There is a pressure that all of our time should be so seriously focused on Christ, that we can’t let loose and laugh until our sides hurt.

Confession… I saw the movie on opening night.  It’s taken me almost a month to admit I saw it, because frankly… I expected to be judged for it.  I was worried about what my church friends, my readers that look to me for wisdom, the women or leaders who are reading through my blog trying to decide if I would be the right speaker for their next women’s event… what would these people think of me?

I learned something from the movie though… my eyes were opened to how long it had been since I had laughed so much and so hard.  I realized how seriously I take myself and made the decision not to.  I embraced that silliness is okay and even healthy for my kids to see.  I made the decision that I wanted to laugh more, but with those whom I am the closest to… not a theater full of strangers.  I want that girl posse who has my back, in the most biblical way possible… and who will be silly with me.  Women who know how to laugh, smile, and stop trying to be something that is impossible to attain… perfect.

All of those parts of the movie that I thought were unnecessary, they don’t have to be part of my life.  But the good stuff… I welcome it.  We are all GOOD MOMS despite our imperfections and the times we muck things up… because we are LOVING MOMS.  In the end that is what matters.  The Lord didn’t call us to a life of misery, but of fulfillment and joy as mothers… and laughter.  So much laughter.

Avert Your Eyes

Women are a funny creation, I’d love to have a one on one conversation with the Creator of the World about how women work.  I want to know how much of our way of thinking, behavior, etc is just “how we are wired” and how much is a result of the fall.  How emotional did God really want for us to be?  How complicated were we intended to be?  When woman first bit that piece of fruit, why is it that her mind became a pile of yarn balls all unraveled and going in so many directions at once?  Why did men get the capacity to compartmentalize things and function so differently with thought and deed?  We both ate of the tree of knowledge, yet our brains work so entirely differently.  Why?

It is a mystery.

Interestingly enough, what also happened after woman bit that apple… she saw herself.  She felt shame and guilt.  And, she hid from God.  Until that moment, the Lord had blinders on her eyes.  She saw Him, she saw Adam, she knew her God given task and purpose.  When she bit of the apple, those blinders fell off.   “What if” entered the world.  “What if God didn’t say ….”.  “What if I take a bite…”.  “What if I didn’t hear God correctly…”.

What if.

Throughout the scriptures there are cries out to God to be seen.  See me, search me, do not cast your face from me, see your people, hear your people, help your people…

Eve hid from God.  Eve said… do not see me.  Do not find me.  Do not cast your gaze upon me.  Do not search me.   She didn’t want to be found in her shame and her guilt.

Avert your eyes.

But the Lord looked for them, he sought them out in their shame, held them accountable, and then as He always does… he made a way out.

I’ve known so many women who want to be seen.  They want their spouses to see them, instead of take them for granted.  They want their children to see them,  and consider them worthy of praise.  They want their parent to see them and apologize for past hurts.  They want their boss to see them and recognize their efforts.  They want their church to see them and welcome their gifts.  They want world to see them and say you add value and are worthy to know.

And yet, some of these same women will hide from those who see too much.   When a spouse gets too close, and they feel vulnerable… they push him away.  When the children begin to see through her perfect mom facade, she builds up taller walls and come up with new covers to her sin.  A parent who desires to fix the past will be kept at arms reach because of fear, we do not want to be hurt again.  Women don’t want their bosses to know how much they sacrificed for the job, because they fear it shows weakness vs. strength.  A woman  who wants the church to see her gift but hides the journey to faith that brought her there.  Women who want the world to see them, but only the parts they want to be seen.

Women are complicated creations.  By our design or as a result of our choices, we seem to have the ability to complicate our lives even more than they need to be.  We say we want authenticity in our friendships, but we do not want vulnerability.  We say that we want iron sharpens iron friendships, yet we do not understand that for iron to be strengthened it’s weaknesses must be exposed.  We would rather our friends look up at us as a model of inspiration versus walk with us through our valleys.  We put on a show, get a circle of friends, build relationships… always keeping our arms stretched out so that no one can get too close.

From a distance our cracks and fractures are not as noticeable.  From a distance we can put on a show and no one can see us reading from the cue cards.  From a distance our grand actions are easily seen but our slight of hand goes unnoticed.  From a distance we look holy and righteous, masking our sin and deprivation.  From a distance we appear to have it all together, all of the right answers, the perfect family… no one can see the brokenness behind our closed doors.

Social media has made the perfect playground for superficial relationships, because we can connect with hundreds and thousands of people… posting our perfectly thought out words, edited photographs, and stories spun to make our lives look like a highlight reel of perfection.  When those people began to infiltrate our real lives, and see how we really live… that facade can only last so long.  When they get too close and begin to the see the truth, we cut them out and replace them with someone new.  Cycling our “friends” in and out of our lives to protect the image we have created for ourselves.

We tackle authenticity from a place of mentor to mentee versus a mutual relationship of accountability.  We want others to be authentic with us, so that we can use our gifts, talents, knowledge, wisdom, et’al to help them.   Yet we dare not expose the thorns in our sides, the planks in our eyes, and our sin to those whom we consider our closest friends.   When they come across them and call our attention to it, we are quick to dismiss it.  Quick to blame, and quick to create distance.  We speak truth in love, but I question how much love is really there.  We speak personal conviction as biblical mandate, standing on a soap box of righteousness that is filled with worms.  We are quick to label others sins and quantify them as more terrible than our own, so that when the time comes we can stop the friendship and feel no remorse.

Righteous indignation is easier than self retrospection.

So, we hide.  We hide from God under the guise that our sin is not as bad as others.  We tell ourselves that God is angrier about greater sins in the world, than this little thing I have done.  We hide from those who love us, because we fear that if they see us for who we really are they will leave… judge… or hold us accountable to change.  We hide from ourselves by focusing so much on how others have wronged or hurt us, that we can put our own sin on the back burner.

We want others to avert their eyes to us, while we look at them under a microscope.

Lord help us to be vulnerable with one another, to walk our roads not alone but in the company of our family of believers, let us not fear accountability, and help us to stop hiding from you.

From Challies.com – My Wife’s Plea to Christian Men

I am a voracious reader, I read pretty much all day long.  There are times I come across things worth sharing.  I will usually run to twitter, instagram, or my facebook page to share those articles.  However, occasionally, there are things that are too important, too poignant, too relevant, and too close to the words flowing through my own heart and mind.  Those, I share here.  When you read this article, please share it.  It speaks to the heart of many women and families, and the struggle they go through.  It speaks hard truths, that I know many echo in their hearts right now.

Share my link, the link to the original article… share it any way you wish.  Just share it.

Share it with the women you know, and the men.

Share it with the leaders of the home, and the church.

Share it with those who are married, and those who hope to be one day.

Share it with your daughters and sons, as their age deems appropriate.

Click on the Photo, or HERE to read the full article:

 

To continue reading, click here!

When Scandal Rocks the Christian Community

It’s been a rough few months in the Christian community.

It is hard, as a believer, when we see our public figures fail.  It may be the Pastor who admitted to an affair, or the revelation of a tv family’s son history of molestation… but the biggest catapult has been the Ashley Madison website hack, and leak.

Well known Christian pastors,  Christian celebrities, and Christian bloggers are being exposed for their involvement with the sight.

I read an article today, where one Christian professional is anticipating that over the next few weeks, we may see over 400 Pastors and leaders resigning from their positions.

And, I am at a loss.

I have never held leaders up to a standard of perfection, and I am not issuing them a pass at all.

But, I want to address something else….

How was their name found and made public?  Did these Pastors and leaders come right to their spouse and church leadership and confess the minute they found out about the leak?  Did someone hunt their name out and expose them?

Yes, every sin will be exposed… and I am not saying it shouldn’t be.  I am not suggesting there shouldn’t be accountability for their choices.

However, I am a bit broken at the thought that people were going through the Ashely Madison lists looking for names they recognized.  Looking for names of people they could rat out, of lives that they could destroy.

I know that there are some folks who have an agenda against the church, that may have been looking for the big names in the Christian world.  I’m less surprised about that, because we know that is sort of the norm when you step out in the public as a Christian.

But… what really bothers me… the idea that one or more members from any given church, may have been looking up the names of the men in their church and their church leadership.

I don’t begrudge a wife looking up the name of her husband.  But, in my opinion, that is the extent of where our curiosity should extend.  Our own homes, our own families.  When I first saw the article and the link to check names/email addresses… it never once occurred to me to check for my Pastor or any of our staff members.

Yet, I know in my heart… for this many churches to be affected…. someone was.

In one of my seminary classes, we were warned that there would be people, who sit with us weekend after weekend … worshiping with us, praising with us, learning with us… who were just looking for the opportunity to stir up trouble.  This was not a warning to paranoia, but rather to just make sure we are aware it happens.

It was so hard for me to believe… but now, not so hard at all.

Do You Want a Friend or an Ally?

I was reading an article on The Gospel Coalition website, and this quote jumped off the page at me:

“An ally,” Francis Schaeffer explained, “is a person who is a born-again Christian with whom I can go a long way down the road.”

While the original article had nothing to do with personal relationships, like friendship… I couldn’t deny that Schaeffer’s words really resonated with me.

It made me take a look at the friendships I have, and the friendships that I have lost.

I realized that what I really want in this world is more than a friend, I want an ally.  I want someone with whom “I can go a long way down the road”.

Our spouses are natural allies, they are with us and committed for the long haul.  They will always fight for us, stand up for us, support us, and encourage us.  Yet, they also have that ability to sit us down and have a “come to Jesus” meeting with us.  We might be hurt at first, feeling like they are criticizing us… but we generally realize, in short order, they are right.  They love us, they know our hearts, but they also have the ability to see us from the outside perspective.  They can see when we are out of line, when we are carrying at least part of the blame, and even when to talk us down from the soap box of righteousness to the humility of peacekeeping.

I’m sure you have heard the saying… “There are friends for a reason, a season and a lifetime”.   At first, that was an assurance to me.  It made me feel better about friendships that ended, and thankful for the ones that were lasting.  Ecclesiastes tells us there is a season for everything, and I don’t doubt that relationships can fall into that.  But, we wouldn’t say the same thing about our marriages?  We wouldn’t say “There are marriages for a reason, a season and a lifetime”, would we?  No.

An ally, for me is something more than just a reason or a season.  Allies are like being family, the people who see us at our best and worst… and still love us.  They don’t walk away when times get tough.  They are relationships that don’t end, they are not seasonal.  It’s why some of our closest relationships can be with someone who lives hundreds of miles away, that we may only speak to every couple of months.  They claim a permanent spot in our heart, forever.

You may have relationships with people that are for a reason, season or lifetime.   God may put a person into your life for a very specific reason.  If you have cancer, God may place someone in your path that has walked that road to be a support to you.  Perhaps you are a family who has moved into a new town, knows absolutely no one, and a sweet older woman across the street becomes an adopted grandparent to your kids.  God moves them in, when you need them, and moves them out when their purpose has been fulfilled.  You may miss them, think about them every so often, but their departure from your life didn’t cause an emptiness or pain.

God may choose to put a person in your life for a season.  This could be a mentor, designated to help you through a period of your life (or the other way around, you may be the mentor).  Your boss or long term coworkers could fall into this category.   A Pastor, church members you connect with while living in a city temporarily.  Long term, life time relationships may not be born, but these people have a significant impact on your life.  Again, you may miss them when God moves you on… but their absence doesn’t break your heart.

You will probably refer to those people as friends, but they are not allies.  They don’t have the same investment in you as your spouse does, or your blood relatives.  They are more than acquaintances, but they are not there for the long road ahead.

A lifetime friend, is more.  They are an ally.  And, when something occurs to derail that relationship it leaves you broken-hearted.  This friendship is something that is deeper in the heart and mind.  It is a connection that is more like family, more permanent.  When it ends, it’s like a part of you has been ripped away.  We generally only have few people in our life that fit this category, that go down that long road with us.  When that relationship ends, we feel like we are walking the road alone.  There is a grief process similar to when someone dies, because there is no replacement for this relationship.

Even if God sends us a new friend, a new ally… it’s still new.  The old is gone, we miss it, we mourn the loss of that relationship, we hold to the memories, and think about that person regularly.  With the rise of social media, it even becomes nearly impossible to not think of that person.  As long as there are mutual friends, we get a glimpse into their life without us in it.  We wonder if they miss us, as much as we miss them?

Which begs us to question, was this person really a friend or ally to begin with?  Can that kind of friendship just end, cut off one day?

I’m not sure how to answer that.  But I can tell you, now that I am looking at relationships from the perspective of being “allies” for each other.  It changes the standards of which I am weighing my relationships.  Instead of just looking for friends, or even close friends… I am looking for allies.  Something deeper.  Something stronger.

Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

Proverbs 27:17

 

Find that person who, in Schaeffer’s words, with whom you can go a long way down the road.

 

PROJECT: I NEED YOUR STORIES

I am working on a very special series for the blog.  But, I need YOUR help.

I am looking for very specific stories, that I can incorporate into the pieces.  I can change names for privacy.  Please use the contact form below to give your name & contact information, as well as a brief synopsis of your story.  I will contact people individually for more specific information about their story based on how it fits into the project.

DESCRIPTION:

Did you have someone in your life that you held in HIGH esteem  (a parent, employer, pastor, friend, sibling, leader, author, etc) …  who ultimately let you down in a most devastating way (adultery, criminal behavior, broken trust, etc);  that now makes it hard for you to trust others (now you are a skeptic, broken faith, broken heart, broken trust, etc)?  Did you heal from this experience, are you still healing, or do you feel you cannot heal from this wrong?

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WHY SO ANGRY?

Getting on my soap box, again.  But, sometimes, you just have to flesh out those thoughts in your head.  Getting them out, before you lose them.

This morning, I caught my youngest in a lie.  I knew she was lying, but I didn’t know how to prove it. I resorted to my tried and true tactics, but she wasn’t budging. “Not me”, was in the house.  Finally, I had to put it to her plainly.

“I know you a lying.  I know you did it.  I just can’t prove it.  So, until you confess….. ” and thus came my most brilliant of ideas.  And about 30 seconds later, full confession.

I issued the consequence, explaining (as I have done with every one of my kids)…. “If you would have told me the truth, I would only have grounded you for one day.  But, because you lied to me repeatedly, you are grounded for four days.”

And so the ensuing temper tantrum would begin.  Huffing and puffing around the house.  Not slamming things, but surely setting the down and closing drawers harder than one should.

I turned her to face me and said “Why are you angry with me?  I didn’t lie to you.  I gave you multiple chances to tell me the truth.  You chose not to.  It’s ok to be mad.  But, who should you really be mad at?”

She looked at me, like a doe caught in headlights, speechless.  I continued:  “The only person you should be mad with, is yourself.  You broke the rules in the first place. Then lied to cover your tracks.  You are mad at me because you got caught.  You should be mad at yourself for breaking the rules in the first place.”

She paused.  Her attitude improved.

Then, as I drove her to school… the woman behind me began a tantrum when I stopped for the school bus, instead of trying to whip through as the stop sign was being slowly extended.   Even if I had gone, there is no way she would have gotten through…without breaking the law.  But there she was, in my rear view mirror, waving her arms and smacking her steering wheel, gesturing toward the bus.  The bus retracted it’s sign, and I started to drive.  The road is a 40mph zone, I was averaging about 43-45mph…all the while she was close enough that if I popped my hatch back it would hit her car.  She followed closely like this, the entire length of my drive, gestures flying, Lord knows what she was saying.  She was ANGRY.

Why?  Why so angry with me?  I was following the law when I stopped.  I was actually going a little above the speed limit.  I wasn’t going below.

From my own experience of frustrations when driving, I can take a pretty good guess as to why she was so upset.  She was probably running late.

But was that my fault?  Or the bus driver’s fault?  Or any other driver she encounters fault?  No.  Yet she was spewing her venom towards me.  If I am right, and she was late, then really who’s fault was it?  Her own.  Something happened that morning that prevented her from leaving early enough.  Did she over sleep?  Get distracted?  Was she unprepared to walk out the door?  Couldn’t find her paperwork, keys or sunglasses?  It could be any number of reasons, but ultimately the fault lies with her.

If you think about all of those times you have gotten angry & even allowed your anger to spill out on others, how often was the situation actually THEIR fault?

My guess is probably fewer than we’d care to admit.

I was late, not because of the cars on the road, but because I misplaced my keys.

I didn’t turn in my assignment on time, not because the teacher didn’t give us enough time to finish, but because I wasn’t organized.

I wasn’t able to get my work done today, not because there was too much to do, but because I was distracted by personal phone calls.

My water got turned off, not because they are horrible people, but because I didn’t pay my bill on time.

My car was repossessed, not because the dealership is full of jerks who just want my money, but because I wasn’t budgeting.

My kids were late to school, not because they dragged their feet, but because I didn’t want to get out of bed until I HAD to.

I ended up in jail, not because the judge was unfair, but because I committed the crime & deserved the consequences.

I have to pay this speeding ticket, not because the cop is meeting a quota, but because I broke the law.

So many things that make us angry, when we look down deep… are really rooted in our decisions.

There are so many self help books, groups and movements about dealing with your anger.  But, how many of them actually address WHY we are angry in the first place?  Taking some personal responsibility for the choices we made, verses projecting our anger toward others will help us to diffuse that anger.

It is easier to be angry at someone else, and blame them for everything.   It is harder to look at yourself in the mirror and say “this is your doing, how are you going to fix it?”

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

 

 

 

TGC Women’s Conference – Part 2 (Pre-Conference, Male & Female- He Created Them)

Last post was about The Gospel Coalition’s Women’s Conference, Pre-Conference “Make & Female, He Created Them”.

This first portion recaps some of the highlights of the two speaker panels.  The Pre-Conference concluded with Don Carson and was focused on the Book of Genesis, Chapters 1 & 2.

Here are the highlights I took away from this session:

There were two creation accounts in Gen 1 & 2.

1st – God Created Earth

2nd – God Created People

The first creation story establishes that God existed before the creation of the Earth, he self-exists.  He created everything in this story by speaking it into existence.

The second creation story establishes a more intimate creation.  God didn’t speak man into existence, but formed him & formed woman from him.  This was a process, interactive, involved.

Scripture indicates that God is different than his creation.  Gen 1 is like the “google earth view”, global scale view.  Gen 2 is the “google street view”, an intimate perspective.

Scripture tells us that God was detailed oriented, he cared so much about us that each of us is known by name, down to the number of hairs on our head.

Gen 1 establishes that God made man in his image, but they are not diety.   “Male and female, God made them”.  Not us.  Them.

Gen 2 gets into the specifics that man was made first, but needed woman and thus woman was made from man.

Additionally a hierarchy was established of man naming and ruling over the animals in creation.  Man is not diety, but it is more than just an animal.  There is a difference.

Made in God’s image = look, capacity of thought, creative, authority, interactive.  The human being has value outside of marriage.  But we are also relational, relational to God, to our spouse, to our family, to our church family.

Man & Woman has a purpose from God, within their family and within their church.  We all have a role to play, gifts and abilities to use.

In the order of the 2nd creation account… we have:

Man 1st created in garden -> rules were established -> man alone was not good -> animals were separate from man/he had dominion over them -> woman made from part of man (not the same as man, a compliment to man).

Before the fall the relationship with God, with spouse was ideal.  Candid.  Open.  No shame.  No anger.  Not hate.  No malice.  No grief.  No pain.  No hurt.

Man and woman were created differently, this was not the union of two identical people, rather 2 complimentary people, 2 halves that complete each other.

The role of man and woman carries from Gen into the New Testament. Eph 5:21 – 33, 1 Cor 11, 1 Tim 2, 1 Cor 14

Husbands are to be filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking, thanking and submitting to God.  leading their home in accordance to God’s direction, standing in authority out of love, self sacrificing for her good so that she is presented increasingly holy.  Husbands should be leading their home with spiritual authority not attitudinal authority or dictatorship.

Submission in marriage is submission to God.  He submits to God, she submits to God through her submission to her husband.

Our relationship with God is mirrored through our earthly marriage.  Both sides much be fully committed to these principles.  If they were it would put an ending to all marriage problems.

Biblical submission is not being a door mat, because our husbands are called to love us as Christ loved the Church, in which ultimately he sacrificed his very life for the church.  So should a husband die to himself for the good of his wife, to present her holy.

Wives are to submit to their husbands in all domains, there is nothing closed off.  You can call yourself a submissive wife if you are holding any area back from your husband’s authority.  If you are making decisions outside of his counsel, or doing things differently when he is not home vs. when he is.  We are submissive even when he is not perfect, when he is not being loveable.  Remember, HE is bearing the burdens for the decisions of the family due to this authority.

People want options whenever possible, and open as long as possible & tend to be not very tolerant of anything or anyone who threatens to end those options.  This is evident in business, travel, culture, etc.  But more options doesn’t always equal freedom, in fact sometimes we can become a slave to those options.  Never able to move forward because we can’t commit.

This is one of the biggest issues men face, always looking for better.  It’s why they can’t commit to marriage.  Or why they volley back and forth on big financial decisions, or wait until the last minute to decide.  In the end, if you get caught in the slavery of options, you will end up with nothing and no one.

One of the greatest issues women have faced is that through feminism they were given more options, and it is harder and harder as times passes for women to give back that control.  They want to have say and they want to have imput.   However, complementarianism in marriage is NOT about tearing down feminism but building up family.  Finding balance and complementary roles for both husband and wife.  No two houses will look the same, because the needs, calling, gifts/talents of each house will vary.   And because your husband loves you, as Christ loved the church, he will see you of the same value… worth dying for.  You will still have a voice, an opinion, be wise counsel to him.  In the end, he simply carries the accountability for the family through his decisions.

The next installment, will be the main conference, breaking down the book of Nehemiah.