Empty Halls

I have found myself on more than one occasion meandering through empty halls and empty buildings.  When I was in high school, I had a summer job working at a public school that was preparing to open in the fall.  I assisted the principal by taking documents from other schools and rewriting them with the information for the new school.  I would walk with him among the empty corridors as he listed off notes for me to take.  His voice would echo in the emptiness of the school, void of students.  Not only did it feel cold and empty, but the school seemed enormous.  In just a few months it would be teeming with life, as middle school students filled these empty halls and classrooms with energy and excitement. 

A few years later, I was assigned to help open up a brand new flagship store for the company I worked for.  This massive building set in an vast empty parking lot, was a blank slate.  White walls, white floor tiles, white shelves.  It was new, clean, and almost antiseptic feeling.  You could smell the fumes of the fresh paint and the cleaners we used to wipe down the surfaces.   Voices carried across the building only stopped by the few walls that portioned off the management offices, restroom, and breakroom.  In a matter of weeks, this building was filled with color and movement.  New employees being trained and prepared for opening day, products filling the shelves, and boxes of employee shirts being distributed brought color and vibrancy to the static white walls.  Opening day would unleash a tidal wave of customers ready to undo all of our hard work as they filled their carts with merchandise.

When our second daughter was born, our church was in the midst of a building project.  We had outgrown the small chapel on the church grounds and it was time to build a new sanctuary.  As a member of the ministry leadership, I had the opportunity to tour the building throughout the process.  A brilliant new stage, gorgeous stadium seating, warm inviting colors, and an architecturally beautiful building were just the by-product of the building’s purpose.  For years we had broken our body into four services to fit everyone and yet we were still growing.  We needed the space.  But, even more so, it was the desire of the Pastors to bring the body back into ONE congregation.  Spanning four services in a single morning, we found that few people from the first service knew the people from fourth service.  We were a church family that could only know one fourth of it’s members.  It was time to unite the body.  As leadership, we would walk through that building filled with hope.

We hoped that the new children’s ministry rooms would be able to hold all of the babies that were being born into our church.  We prayed that the classrooms would serve our study groups well.  We talked about new ministry opportunities that the building would allow us to meet.  We dreamed about the future of this seventy five year old church, and the new generations that would call it home and family.  Our dreams were that of a church so indwelled in our community, that our church would be like a home to the orphan, the widow, the poor, and the stranger.  Providing more seats at the table, and doors that welcomed them in to become part of our church family. 

I remember lunches on the church lawn after service, fall festivals, Christmas musicals, and Easter egg hunts on the grounds.  We offered our old chapel to a local Haitian Church, and occasionally they would invite our church to fellowship meals after their services.  Family dinners, Women’s brunches, Men’s breakfasts, recovery groups, youth group nights, Awanas, etc. filled our church calendar.  We built a wonderful community that has left a pivotal mark on my mind and heart on what a church should be and should feel like.  In fact, when we moved it became the litmus to my heart. 

This is what church family is, this is what our hearts long for when we come together and corporately worship.  Not a fast food injection of a momentary handshake, quick side hug, or kind words shared at the coffee station.  Rather, deep conversations over a dinner table while breaking bread.  Laughter and tears shed, as we gathered for studies and fellowship with our family of faith.  There is something in our bodies that craves the community of the early church that has been lost as we pop in and out for our quick nibble off the Bread of Life.  We show up on Sunday morning, take in the Word, and head home for our football games and midday nap sessions.  Quick to rush home versus taking the time to linger and chat.  However, there are times were we attempt to linger but are ushered out of the doors as the lights are turned off and the doors locked.  You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

I’ve witnessed people standing in the heat of the Florida summer sun, talking in the parking lot long after the church doors have been locked.  They are having a conversation that should be able to happen in the safe space of the church.  Too fragile of a conversation to be moved to the local coffee shop or lunch spot.  Instead, when the heat finally overcomes them, they slip into a car and put on the air conditioner to finish out their thoughts.  Why is this so?  Why have we locked our doors so quickly?  Why do we flip over the welcome mat at the front doors, and put up the closed for business signs on our doors?

I’ve watched movies, where in big cities, people would pour into the neighborhood church at all hours.  It could be one in the morning, and the doors were open for the wayward and the lost.  Welcome.  You are safe here.  How can we serve you?  We don’t tend to our sheep like that anymore.  Sure, you can call the Pastor at his home, or someone from the prayer chain… but will they answer?  I remember once struggling in the middle the of the night, and I wanted nothing more than to walk into a church and just sit in the sanctuary… in His house.  But, the doors were locked.  No one was home.  Our churches have business hours, you’ll need to make an appointment.

I’ve been told to cancel a small group because enough participants didn’t sign up to make it worth opening up the church.  Jesus went out of his way for the one, and we can’t open the doors for the five.   I’ve been told that we can’t have “too many” activities on the calendar.  What is “too many” activities for a body that craves community, and desires to spend time with one another?  I’ve driven by churches that sit empty 4-5 days of the week, and wondered is this how we are supposed to be stewarding the House of the Lord?  Are the doors supposed to be locked?  We put so much money into huge beautiful buildings that are never used to their fullest capacity, and I admit I wrestle with why.

Should it not be erupting with the squeals and giggles of children?  Echoing with the sobs of the broken?  Shaking with the songs of those who praise Him?  Rooms filled with men and women studying the Scriptures?  Testimonies and healing in rooms full of those who are recovering?  The hushed murmuring from the prayers of our warriors going to battle on their knees?  A building full of life versus desolate, empty halls…

The Writing is on the Wall

It is Mental Health Awareness month, with a slew of Social Media posts sharing Suicide Prevention Hotline numbers, reminders to let people know you care, etc.  Then in a week’s time two celebrities died from suicide, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.  Coupled with the loss of Robin Williams last year, we have learned that depression and suicide reach over the barriers of influence, wealth, success, and the appearance of having it all. Depression, mental illness, mental health issues, addiction, and suicide do not discriminate.  They do not care about the amount of money in your bank account, your resume, the color of your skin, your history, your religion, your gender, your sexuality, or your age.

Just two weeks ago, I took my youngest daughter in for her middle school physical.  It’s been 4 years since our last appointment.  This time, not only was I handed a clipboard to verify all of our information was still accurate and note any changes since her last visit… but I was given a clipboard for her.  It was a survey to assess depression in my 11 year old.  Questioning if she ever felt like the world was better off with out her, if she ever felt alone despite having friends, if she slept too much, if she didn’t feel like playing or participating in activities, if she had ever thought about hurting herself or others, or if she had ever tried to harm or kill herself ever (and a follow up question asking if that was within the last year).  I was taken back by the addition of this survey.

We entered into the exam room, and as part of the physical we discussed the survey.  That was when I was hit with a bombshell.  Our pediatrician said:

“Suicide is the number two cause of death among children.”

I’ll wait while you let that sink in a moment, or google it to verify for yourself.   I know I was stunned to hear it.

We are a family marked by depression and suicide.  Depression runs on my husband’s side of our family.  He lost a sister when she was just a teenager.  I lost a friend in high school.  Another when I was in college.  I wish I could say that was the end of our experience with it, but it has not been the case. When you are the surviving friends and family of suicide, you see things differently and become more keenly aware.  I watch my children constantly looking for signs and clues in order to have early intervention.  This is part of our life.  We don’t allow our kids to make any sort of joke, off hand comment, or recite a quote/cliche phrase related to suicide.  It’s too real for us to ever take it lightly.

Despite our own experiences with it, I was still stunned to hear those words from the doctor.  NUMBER TWO for children ages 10+.

1. Unintentional injury
2. Suicide
3. Malignant Neoplasm (cancerous tumors)
4. Homicide
5. Congenital Disease

It is absolutely beyond my comprehension that more children die by their own choice and volition than those who have been taken at the hands of others.  I can’t wrap my head around it.  It breaks my heart every time I hear about it on the news and yet I still didn’t grasp the scope of it.

It is #2 for children ages 10-14.

It is #2 for ages 15 – 23.

It is #2 for ages 24-34.

With that ranking, how can we even begin to think that suicide isn’t lurking around the corner hunting someone we love.  We can’t discount the reach of depression and mental illness.  Which is why we must be proactive about our mental health.  This means paying attention to our loved ones, so that we are not only aware that depression or anxiety is happening… but also to encourage the person to seek out help.  We must never create an environment where others do not feel that they must suffer alone vs. reaching out for help.  We must drop any stigma we hold or express about treating mental health.  Whether it is a judgement over people who are prioritizing “self care” or disparaging talk related to medication as a form of treatment, it needs to stop.

Especially for those of us who are among the community of faith believers.

I do believe in the power of prayer.  I have known people that have been miraculously cured of conditions that Doctors can’t explain. I’ve known people miraculously delivered from addictions.  I’ve known people who have been delivered from depression, anger, anxiety, past traumas, etc.  Miraculous stories full of hope and wonder.

I also know people of faith who have earnestly prayed for healing, and it has not come.  I know people who despite their prayers have continued a constant struggle with sobriety.  I watched a faithful church pray every Sunday for the miraculous healing of a severely handicapped girl, that 20 years later still has not happened.  I’ve heard people share how they were told that their prayers were not answered because they were not faithful enough.  My friend Jay, shared this on her Facebook page a few days ago…

“Stop telling people that they don’t know God if they’re having suicidal thoughts. Sometimes God is the ONLY thing they are holding on to.” – Jay Sharpe

This is the harsh truth.  It is absolutely irresponsible of us to question or condemn someone’s faith because they struggle with mental health issues, mental illness, or contemplate suicide.  Irresponsible.

God has given us plants that have created medicines to combat these issues.  He has given scientists the education, tools, and resources to develop synthetic medications.  He as given doctors and counselors the wisdom to detect for early intervention, the ability to help someone get through the storms when they are in the midst of it, and the skills to teach them how to create coping mechanisms when they are in a stable state of mind.  These are GIFTS and CALLINGS that God has put on their lives to be tangible help in a world that seems so dark.

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul describes how three times he cried out for the Lord to remove the thorn from his flesh, but the Lord did not.  Paul was a faithful believer, persecuted on behalf of his faith.  If the Lord sought not to remove that thorn from Paul’s flesh, even with his earnest prayers…  it is entirely possible for ANYONE to have a solid faith and yet the Lord will choose to let their thorn remain.  We may not understand His reason for doing so, but we know in the end He will be glorified through it.

It was eight years ago when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.  In the beginning I was told that the medication I was prescribed would help me to feel better.  It didn’t.  I tried diet changes, supplements, hired a nutritionist, worked with a personal trainer, read all the books I could get my hands on.  I cried out for the Lord to heal me on more occasions than I could count.  He chose not to.   I kept feeling worse.  This illness was stealing away my life and my joy.  I remember sitting on my floor one night contemplating how I could continue to exist like this.  Was it fair to me?  Was it fair to my husband and children?  What good would I be?  It was only a few years ago, that the Lord provided a pathway for my healing.  Was I instantly cured?  No.  However each day I grow stronger, each day I am healthier, and I owe that the people and treatments God continually puts in my path.

I know people who have my condition where depression is one of their symptoms, for others the physical symptoms become so unbearable that they couldn’t take it anymore, men and women who suffered in silence because no one could understand the private hell they were suffering through because they “look ok” to the rest of the world.  I read posts in the support groups where many people shared they wished they had cancer because at least then people would believe them.  I can understand the desperation for the person battling mental illness, a storm raging inside that no one else can see, feeling alone, and desperate to make it stop.

Yes, there are those who suffer from depression and you can see it all over their lives.  They sleep all day, they struggle with every day life expectations, they are open and share about how down they feel… how lost… and how hopeless.  Many more suffer in silence.  They fear condemnation, judgement, and shaming… especially for those who appear to have it all.  The perfect body.  Perfect home.  Perfect marriage.  Stacked bank account.  Trips all over the world.  Celebrity status.

Do you know how hard it is to confess to the world that you feel like nothing when they think you have everything?

What do you have to be depressed about?  As if depression is defined by circumstance.  Or anxiety is something we can simply choose to turn on and off.  The thought that mental illness is something we can just get over or “walk it off”.  If climbing out of the pit was as easy as deciding to, don’t you think people would? 

It is as if the person has been blindfolded and placed in a pit with a ladder.  Everyone around watching sees the ladder, they know how easy it would be to just get out of that pit.  However, the blind fold of depression or mental illness makes it hard to see the ladder.  It clouds judgement.  It can change perception so that the pit feels like a canyon.  The voices from outside are shouting directions and encouragement, but the voices are muddled and indistinguishable, and it may feel they add to the chaos.  They need someone who is willing to walk into the pit with them and guide them out through counseling, medication to remove that blindfold.

And that is OK, and we need to stop telling the world that it’s not.

No more posting about how ADD and ADHD medication are just for lazy parents, unethical doctors, or big pharm trying to drug our children in to compliance.  Until you walk the shoes of an ADD/ADHD/OCD/ODD/et’al parent and child… you have no idea how these disorders impact our child and our family, or how often anxiety and depression accompany them.

No more chastising about how people use a diagnosis as an excuse for their weight gain, lack of motivation, fatigue, or other physical/mental/emotional ailments.  Until you walk in the shoes of a person with a chronic illness… you have no idea how they are struggling to stay afloat in a disease that is trying to pull them down.  Every day becomes a battle, and mentally it is exhausting and can lead to depression and anxiety.

No more assumptions that just because someone is blessed with wealth, physical health, or opportunity that they do not suffer in silence.  Just because a person doesn’t share their struggle publicly doesn’t mean that their life is easy and carefree… you have no idea the demons they battle every single day.

No more can we thrust our will or our opinions on how someone else needs to deal or cope with life.  We can not expect people to heal the way we heal, or cope the way we cope.  Instead, we become champions for their health.  Encouraging them to seek help, supporting them through diagnosis processes, medication dosing, and understanding that the more they try to push you away… the more they need you to stay (even if you are just lingering in their peripheral vision).

If you know someone who needs help, talk with them.  If it is a child or teen, talk with their parents.  Give them phone numbers to resources where they can get help, and let them know they are not alone in this.  Be there.  Be understanding.  Be helpful.  Be supportive.  Be encouraging.  Be present.  Do what you can.  And, recognize that you are not called to be their Savior.

The writing is on the wall when it comes to mental health in the US.  We can’t ignore it.  We have to fight it, for ourselves and the ones we love.  We need to stand in the gap and stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.

Check on your friends.  The strong ones.  The single ones.  The parents.  The military vets.  The creative types.  The loners.  The wealthy ones.  The extroverts.  The happy ones.  The struggling ones.  Those with illnesses.  Those who seem to have it all.

If you’d like to read more about being Christian and suffering from depression and anxiety,  Brant Hansen and Carlos Whitaker have both written about their own struggles.  Just google search their name with the word depression added to the search, you will find plenty to read.

Local churches may have a list of Christian Counselors and Crisis Resource numbers that can help you get immediate help.

Or reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline that has a # you can call or people available to chat with you online.   https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Gossip Veiled in Prayers

If you have been a reader of mine for any length of time, today’s blog post is going to seem a bit harsh.  Generally speaking I don’t come at a topic full throttle.  My friend Aimee uses the term “velvet hammer” to describe a gentle approach to a hard truth.  I tend to lean toward yielding a velvet hammer.  I believe coming at a topic full throttle puts people on the defensive, and people who are on the defensive can very rarely hear truth… they are in fight or flight mode.  I do my best to lay things out in a way that prompts others to think for themselves, putting them in a position of willing to listen, and then letting God do the rest. 

However, there is a topic I’ve been wanting to write on for quite some time.  I’m not sure that I can bring out the velvet hammer on this one.  I also want to put the cards out on the table that I’m as much talking to myself as others.  I know I have in the past been guilty of this (even if I didn’t realize it at the time) and now that I’m aware of it… it sticks out like a sore thumb.  I catch myself.  And, I catch others.  To the point in which I will call them on it before they finish speaking.

We, as women, tend to be the worst at it… veiling gossip as a prayer request.  We, as women, also seem to be the most oblivious to it.  I think I know why.

First we have to set the parameters on gossip.  Many people assume that gossip is full of slander and lies.  Gossip can be 100% truth.  The definition of gossip is: casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people.   Casual.  Unconstrained. 

Second, we have to look at the fuzzy lines between GOSSIP, VENTING, and PRAYER REQUESTS.  

Gossip is about other people, and purposeful gossiping is about changing the way others see a particular person.  It can be an outright attack on their character in order to bring them down, or it can be a little more subtle with the intention of raising ourselves above.  Sometimes gossip makes us feel important because we have information that others do not have.  And, sometimes gossip is just a way to stay relevant to the conversation.  It gives us something to add when there is a lull in the conversation or we feel left out.  The one thing that is clear is that whatever we are speaking is about other people.  Gossip is also opposite to the Fruit of the Spirit of “self control”.  Note the definition used the word “unconstrained”, which means it has no boundaries.

An example of gossip:  “Did you hear that Margie’s husband is having an affair?  I can’t believe it!  She always seemed like everything was great in her life.”

Venting, is sometimes a good thing that can go really poorly.  Venting is where we are under so much weight from life that we are going to just explode unless we can talk about it with others.  The problem with venting is that it can very much turn into gossip, if we are not careful.  How does this happen?  One of two ways.  First, it can happen because we are trying to provide context for what happened or who hurt us in order to make the person we are confiding in understand why we are upset. 

Second, we are sharing information in order to justify why we are upset.  Venting becomes a mixture of reporting on another person and explaining how it affected us.  Venting can also become unconstrained, because it can be like turning on a faucet and the knob breaking off.  Once you get going, you almost can’t stop.  Before you know it you are accounting for all of the wrongs this person ever committed against you, or all the terrible things that have happened to you over the course of your life that have culminated to this one moment.  Unconstrained. 

An example of venting:  “I am so angry with my Mother in Law.  She’s never been nice to me. <insert 16 years worth of laundry list of wrongs>.  I finally had enough and I snapped at her by saying…. “

Venting can be coupled with a prayer request by starting off the vent with a prayer request.  Which is why we need to understand the difference between gossiping and a prayer request.

A genuine Prayer Request should be as simple as seeking our sisters and brothers to Christ to go before throne with us over an issue/person.  Prayer requests can also slip into the realm of gossip.  First, we can use a prayer request as a way to share information about a person that is out right gossip but sounds like a prayer request:

At small group, prayer request time:  “I think we should pray for Margie, she just found about her husband has been cheating on her.”

Second, we can set up the prayer request by providing context in order to justify the urgency or importance of the prayer request.  

Example:   “We need to pray for my neighbor’s son’s friend Christopher.  He has been in and out of trouble his whole life.  He’s been in jail.  Gone through rehab multiple times and failed. <insert sordid details> Now, his girlfriend who is also a drug user, is pregnant…”

In even our best of intentions, we are thinking that others will not take our prayer request seriously enough unless we describe all the gnarly details.  Then, we hope, they will see how dire the situations is and how much those prayers are needed.  Yet, they don’t realize they are actively gossiping.

Gossiping is a messy thing, and when you gossip about others (even in a prayer request) we become known as untrustworthy.  We learn who not to trust with our important stuff because of who we hear sharing news that they shouldn’t be.

Recently, I received a phone call from someone alerting me to a tragic scenario & a family in need of prayer.  I had not heard, because I really wasn’t in contact with that family any longer.  When I explained this to the woman, she still continued to speak out the horrifying details of what happened.  I went so far as to say to her “I really don’t need to know that information, and I don’t want to know that information”.  That didn’t stop her from continuing her train of thought… it didn’t stop her gossiping.  I had to call a spade, a spade.  That is always an awkward conversation.

James 1:26 is about as straight forward as it gets.  If you think you are a godly person, and you gossip in the guise of a prayer request, your religion is worthless.  You are not guarding your words, you are not reigning in your tongue.  You are sinning. 

So how do we do better?

In the first example, we just need to stop.  Just because we KNOW information doesn’t give us the right to SHARE information.  I use the following question as my guiding principle…

Have I been given permission by the person to share this information?  If I have not been given permission to speak about a situation by those whom are directly involved (not just one person, but all involved) then I need to keep my mouth shut.  It is not my story to tell, it is not my place to speak about it… even if it is 100% true.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say especially if it is true.  Without their permission to speak about it, it is gossip.  There is no debate our exception.  If you do not have expressed permission to share, you are gossiping. Period.  End of story.

In the second example, about venting, I’m learning that for it to be a true release… I do not need to share every gory detail.  In fact, the story should be less about the person and the situation and more about ME and how I am handling it.  I can speak in generalities (we don’t ever seem to agree, we rub each other the wrong way, etc.) without giving the laundry list of every slight.  But I need to focus more on how I am responding.  Even if the person hurt me and is totally wrong, I can be just as wrong in how I responded.  I use the following question as my guiding principle with venting…

Am I trying to find a solution or relief, or am I trying to justify my own feelings and behavior?  If I am venting with the intention of gaining people on my side by listing all the dirty details, I am gossiping.  If I am setting a general context, then focusing more on my own response and my desire to have a better relationship or better circumstance… I’m looking for restoration and reconciliation.  It also means, even thought I am venting, I have a willingness to hear that I am wrong and what I could do to make the situation better.

In the third example, it is much simpler.  I simply make a prayers request like, “Please pray for my friend Margie.”  Guess what?  God already knows what Margie is going through.  God doesn’t need me to inform Him of the details.  And, those who are praying with you, they don’t need to know the details in order to pray.   I’ve learned over the years that we never know who is in the room with us that may know the people we are praying about.  We may be speaking details related to a situation that is not public knowledge and unknowingly shared information to someone who was not to know or who may go back to our friend/family member about what we have shared.  For prayer requests, I use the following three questions as my guiding principle…

Have I asked permission to share this prayer request with my group?  Have I asked the person how much information I can share in the request?  Does this group of prayer warriors need to know the details in order to pray?  If the answer to any of these questions is no… then that is a prayer request that I need to either keep to myself, or keep in the most general terms.  This is why I am a HUGE fan of the “raise your hand if you have any unspoken requests” time in prayer groups.   It is the opportunity to corporately lift up what is on your heart without sharing the details with others.

I do believe in some situations the prayer requests are genuine, and that the heart behind sharing so many details is to establish the urgency of praying.  It isn’t uncommon to say we will pray for something and ultimately forget.  By creating urgency, we hope that it will cause the person to take the request seriously & not forget… perhaps even stop in the moment to pray about it, or keep praying about over a length of time.

However, if we do not have permission… we are gossiping.   We are not reigning in our tongue.  We are sharing information without constraint and without consideration.

It really is as simple as filtering your words through that first question… Have I asked permission to share this with others?

If you don’t have permission…

If you didn’t ask for permission…

Don’t say a word.  Stop gossiping.

Success =/= Wealth

At the beginning of the year, we were hit with some startling news.  In the simplest explanation, my husband would either need to transfer to a new location or accept a layoff package.  We were given five days to research available positions in other areas and create a short list of places we’d be willing to transfer to.  Five days.  If it was just my husband and I, there were a lot more options available.  However, we had three children to consider and that narrowed the scope greatly. 

Having several friends and family members who also work for the same company, it wasn’t long before word got out and phone calls were being made.  We really didn’t talk much about it publicly, because the truth was we didn’t have much information and we didn’t have a lot of time to make decisions.  We needed to pull close as a family and talk about the options and really not allow the opinions of others to influence us.  Sometimes, you just have to keep it close and quiet. 

As we went through the list, there was nothing local that paid close to what we would need.  We were going to have to choose between moving or losing his job.  As a family, we recognized job security trumped our preference to stay in our home.  We embraced the move as an adventure and came to some agreements on the details.  We had accepted that if God was going to move us, we were ready to pick up our mat and go.

If you have been friends with me long enough, you will know that I firmly believe that some moments are just tests in obedience and that the Lord could still provide a ram in the bush.  When Abraham was asked by the Lord to sacrifice his only son, Abraham prepared to do as the Lord commanded, and at the last minute the Lord sent a ram to Abraham.  Abraham’s obedience was honored and his son was saved.  We walked in trust that the Lord was going to lead us to where ever we were meant to be.  At the last minute, the Lord brought us a ram in the bush.  A position that was not originally on the list of available locations popped up and by nothing short of a miracle he was placed there.  We wouldn’t have to move.  And, in fact, in some ways our life has improved by the change.

The time it took for the ram to show up, seemed like forever.  We had months between where we needed to prepare.  We knew that he would move up ahead of us, and we’d follow after school was out for summer.  We knew there would be travel back and forth to help settle him into a temporary place, searching for a home for us when the time came, and of course visiting each other between.  We also knew that we’d have to prepare our home for sale.  In the time of waiting, we began purging our home of the unnecessary things.  We couldn’t make commitments to invitations.  Everything was in limbo.

A friend called, her husband works for the same company, and she was so sad to hear about our situation. I’ll be honest I was sad too.  After so many years in the company, after so many years in this home, we actually thought we were safe and rooted.  We thought we were beyond the transfers that plagued our early years of marriage.  At this point, my friend wanted to know if we had other options should my husband decide to accept the lay off package.  I explained that it wasn’t financially possible.  Nothing available in our area could pay him what he was currently making, and I certainly couldn’t carry the weight of the finances.

That surprised her.  She had considered my ministry work successful and assumed that I was making a decent income.  I had to burst her bubble and explain that I made zero income.  I would have to get a job and I’d make no where near what we would need, compared to my husband who has 15 years in a company that still has a pension plan.  It wasn’t even comparing apples to oranges, but rather tomatoes to oranges. 

My friend, Jay Sharpe (author of the Chicken Lyrics and Pocket Book of Gratitude), once said “there are many kinds of rich”.  Readers, friends, let me assure you that the majority of the people you know working in ministry are fruitfully rich even if they don’t make a dime of pay.  There are some who do pull a wage, but it’s usually nothing to write home about.  Being successful, even the top of our field, isn’t defined by our pay scale.

We write because we love to write, we feel compelled to write, the Lord puts it on our heart.

We speak, because He has given us an audience to speak His words to.

We create, because it is in our DNA… how we were knitted in the womb… to express ourselves.

We serve, because we are called to serve others above ourselves… lights in the dark world. 

We share the Gospel, because we are commissioned to do so.  It is our calling, our privilege.

We do so not for the rewards we will see here on earth, but rather our treasures that are stored in Heaven.  Even there our treasures will not always be defined by gold and silver.  As Jay said, there are many ways to be rich.

I am rich because of the people I am serving, and those I am serving with.  I am rich, because each day is a new opportunity to make Kingdom impacts on the world.  I am rich, because I have family, friends, neighbors, and community.

I am rich.

Even when my pockets are empty.

Even when the fridge is bare.

Even when time seems to be running out.

Even when I have been called to stillness.

Even when illness robs me of my strength.

Even when I feel lost and confused.

I am rich, because I am the daughter of the King.  I am rich, because of the ransom that was paid for me by Christ.  I am rich, because I do not measure my wealth by dollars and cents.

There are different kinds of rich.

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Jay Sharpe will be speaking at the LeadHer Conference in Hobe Sound, FL (Oct 6 2018)

Transformation

The transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly is absolutely amazing.

Starting from an egg, the caterpillar grows, traveling on feet,  and feeding on the green leaves and early buds of flowers.  Then it eventually secures itself to a safe place and forms a chrysalis.  Eventually the chrysalis opens to reveal a butterfly, that now travels by flight and feeds off the nectar of the very same plants in which the caterpillar ate leaves off of.

The process that happens in the chrysalis is nothing short of miraculous.  The chrysalis is made up of the external skin of the caterpillar.  It shrinks itself up into this tiny pod and the skin hardens.  Inside, the rest of the caterpillar completely liquefies and it completely restructures into a butterfly, a new body.

This new body is completely different, it functions differently, it has a new purpose.  A new life is born.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ becomes a new person.  The old is life is gone, a new life has begun.

What is fascinating is that scientists have been able to confirm that despite this complete liquefaction of the caterpillar, the butterfly will retain all of the memories of the caterpillar it once was.  It hasn’t forgotten the old life, the lessons it learned, the experiences it had.  Scientists have even proven that some memories are passed through DNA to future generations.  It is why butterflies know what flowers to feed from, what path to migrate, etc.

However, in it’s new form the Butterfly will live a new life, a different life.

When we give our lives to Christ, we too become a new creation.  We shed the skin of our past, even though we remember those days and experiences.  But, like the butterfly, we have been given a new purpose.

Dry Bones

I love going to women’s events, conferences, and brunches and listening to speakers.  Whether the speaker is a famous author, Pastor, or the woman who sits in the third pew.  For me, I never walk away from these experiences empty handed.  I learn something and gain from the gift of their words.

At the event from this weekend, there were two speakers.  I shared my thoughts/notes from the first speaker, Julie Mullins, last post.  The second speaker was Pastor Charlotte Gambill who Co-Pastors with her husband at Life Church across the pond in the UK.  I’ve never had an opportunity to hear Pastor Gambill before, and it was an absolute treat.

This is a mixture of direct words from her and my response to it written in my notes…

Do you feel like you are in the dry places? The desert of your life?

But you feel knocked down, worn out, planted into the stones and yet you want to uproot and run… but you can’t because you are breathless.

The sun is beating on your back, you are parched with thirst, your lungs feel as if there is no air left.

You feel like you are dying.
Your dreams are dying.
Your marriage is dying.
Your relationship with your child is dying.

… and God seems so far away…

God will put breath back into your lungs & resurrect the dry places, but first you must stop carrying the load that He doesn’t want you to bear in order to go to the place He is taking you.  ~Pastor Charlotte Gambill

You are carrying the dry bones of your past that you thought you buried away. Past pain and hurt, confusion and frustration, anger and guilt. The enemy wants us to bury these bones and hide them, so that we don’t face them and others can’t see. God says NO! In order to bring life to those dry old bones, we must face them head on.

He is the God who resurrects and restores.

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Ezekiel 37:1-14
The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”
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God will drop you into the valley of dry bones because He has a question for you, because sometimes God’s answer to you is wrapped in your answer to Him.

~Pastor Charlotte Gambill

God asked Ezekiel “can these bones live” and Ezekiel avoided the question, he didn’t want to answer. When we avoid facing the questions we can’t find healing, have or joy restored, or our life returned. We are hiding in the desert places.

God told Ezekiel to prophesy to the bones, giving power to the Word of God… not the words of friends, not the words of family members, not the words of people who do not care for you… that may cause you to lay down your life and dreams and hopes prematurely.

But, God can’t work if you are living in the past. Facing the bones is not the same as living with them. If you are choosing the live in the bones of the past (of what was, or what you longed for and gave up)… you will be stuck.

When Ezekiel prophesied over the bones, they rose and assembled themselves and flesh covered them… but there was no life in them. It’s not enough to just assemble the bones, but we must ask God to breathe new life into them. To breathe new life into our dreams, breath new life into our relationships, breath new life into our world.

Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, fast forward he’s now in charge of the Pharoah’s household and serves as his right hand man. Everything was seemingly perfect for Joseph, but he still had bones he was carrying.

You can still bloom in the desert places, but you must deal with the bones for the super bloom. God will bring them right to you, bumping you into them. The woman who hurt you, shows up at the same retreat you are at. The person you need to apologize to keeps showing up in the random places. You can’t seem to escape it, because He needs you to face it.

Joseph carried a lot of bones in his life, he had every reason to be angry and hurt. Yet we never see him protesting, trying to prove himself to others, etc. Instead he spent time trying to improve himself. He didn’t worry about others blessings or failures, he concerned himself with his own stuff. This allowed Joseph’s heart to be open for restoration verses revenge.

The emotional cost of carrying a heavy bag of bones is that you will be breathless.

In Gen 42, Joseph faces his brothers… the ones who began His plight. He had to face those bones.

1. His pain was revisited. We don’t have to pretend the pain didn’t happen. The pain is real, but if we hold it in … the pain becomes toxic. We must exhale the pain, and inhale His breathe of new life.

2. He had to remember. It will cost you a lot to keep replaying the past. Remember it, but do not linger, move forward.

3. He had to be a silent witness as they recalled the events. Sometimes we have to witness those who hurt us reckon with their actions before we can release it. But, these silent tears are not in vain they are washing away the past.

“You can use your tears to water weeds or to sprout new life.”

“You can not get back the years of your past, but God can replace them with better years to come.”  ~Pastor Charlotte Gambill

4. He had to grieve what was lost. Joseph’s youngest brother had nothing to do with what happened to him, he was just a child of 4 years. The actions of his brothers cost him years of relationship with his brother Benjamin. Joseph mourned what Benjamin didn’t even know about. Instead of bringing Benjamin into the pain, Joseph grieved this in private and then cleaned himself up and got a grip on himself.

“There is a time limit on tears. Stop crying about what was or was supposed to be. Exhale the past, it is gone. Inhale your purpose for now.”

5. He recognized God was behind it. The sorrow Joseph experienced due to his brothers was not wasted, God used it for purpose. A seed was removed from one place and planted for a greater future.

When Ezekiel followed the Lord’s instructions, the bones came together. It was better, but not full. Don’t just stop because things seem better… keep going. Because the fullness comes when God breathes new life into your dreams. New life into your marriage. New life into your relationships. New life into your prodigal. New life into your career.

New breath means you will not just stand but you will LIVE!

God didn’t just raise one set of bones in the desert that day with Ezekiel. He raised an army.

That God is calling to you… will you face your dry bones? Will you settle for better? Or will you command new life into the dry weary bones?

As each of us surrender to God our dry bones, and He breathes new life into our trials… and we are holding on for not just better but best… He is raising a King’s Army in us.

Chronicling 40: Heaping Ashes

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with in ministry was not a conflict, but instead the talk after the conflict was over.  I’m not minimizing that conflict itself is hard, because it is.  However when you are in conflict with another person there is a lot you can do.  You can pray that God would convict their heart… and your own.  You can forgive what needs to be forgiven, and repent when you need to repent and seek forgiveness.  You can work to rebuild the relationship, you learn from your mistakes, there is growth.

There are occasions where others were present for the conflict directly, or brought into it indirectly… and it is very hard to reign in the talk that can come from it.   Even when we have done our best to keep people out of the conflict, those who can sense the tension may make assumptions to fill in the gaps… and they don’t always keep those assumptions to themselves.

Several years ago there was a large conflict that I was a part of.  It took time, but we all came to terms with what happened.  There was forgiveness and reconciliation.  It was a beautiful thing to see relationships being repaired and restored.  Two years later, after all the dust had settled, someone came to me because there was gossip being spread about me.  First, I want to say that I appreciate the fact the person told me… but even more so that when the person began to gossip in front of her she shut it down quickly.  She made sure the person and those who were listening understood that she didn’t know all of the fact, had no business speaking about it with anyone.

THESE KINDS OF FRIENDS ARE GIFTS FROM GOD!

She came to me, because she felt that I should know that this issue was still being discussed by people… what was said about me specifically… and how she handled it.

I was far more hurt by those who were spreading rumors with incomplete information than I ever was by the actual conflict itself.  In part,  I believe, because this person was tarnishing my reputation with others who had no knowledge of the conflict in the first place.  Not to mention I had considered this person as a friend, and couldn’t believe she was being so careless.

Yes, I was angry.  Yes, I wanted to confront her.  Yes, I wanted to talk to everyone she spread this gossip to and set the story straight.   Before acting, I took it to the cross.

In order to clear up her misinformation, I would have had to throw others under the bus.  I’ve always agreed with the quote: “What you say about others says more about you than those you are gossiping about”.    There was no way to improve my standing without casting a negative shadow on others, and I refused to do that.  Instead I had to take the high road.  Yes, I can confront the gossiper directly.  As for the rest, I had to make a decision to let my character speak for itself.

I would continue to walk out my faith, live my life, in accordance to my character and integrity.  If she continued to speak ill of me, eventually she would feel conviction.  If others chose to believe her, as they get to know me they too will feel conviction.  If they choose to not bother to get to know me, that’s more on them than it is on me.

Sometimes, in our flesh, we want to repay evil for evil… hurt for hurt.  But, that is not what God would have us do…

Proverbs 25:21-22

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; For you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.

When we respond this way, we let our character and integrity speak for us vs. trying to be defensive.  When we respond this way, we are walking in the Spirit and not in our flesh.  When we respond this way, we are separating ourselves from the way the world does things and instead showing how Kingdom dwellers do things.

Chronicling 40: 194-196

It is really hard to live each day when you feel out of alignment with God and His purpose for you life.  While I love Women’s Ministry, I have been disconnected from it directly for some time.  I equip other leaders, but I haven’t served in Women’s Ministry in a local church in several years.  There were reasons for that disconnection, and there was healing that needed to happen.  Knowing there were valid reasons didn’t help the ache of that void.

As I dip my toes cautiously back into the pool, my friend could see an expression or response that I didn’t even realize I was making.  It was so evident, or she is so perceptive, that she asked me what the reaction was about.  To really put towards how I was feeling seems impossible.

Joy and excitement about all of the things we discussed.

Relief that someone was willing to hear my heart, actually hear me.

Trepidation about getting too excited or my hopes up too much.

There is NO FEELING as good as when your are walking in obedience to His calling on your life, and living that purpose out.  Even when it’s baby steps, toes dipping in the water, taking our time to get acquainted and build momentum.  It’s like fresh breath in your lungs, a restart of your heart, and an energy charge to your mind.

I appreciated our openness with one another.  Making sure we understood the similarities in our personalities and our differences.  We were identifying potential obstacles before the presented themselves, so that we could understand each other better.  Owning our strengths and even our weaknesses.  We laid our hearts and desires, our truth (good and bad) out there to each other.

And we agreed to work with excellence in mind.

Thank you, Lord.  I will not forsake this opportunity to serve once again.  Whether little steps or by your leaps and bounds, I answered “here I am”.

Chronicling 40: Day 183 of 365

I actually struggled between the word “Intentional” and “Increase” for today.  I love the word intentional, because I believe in being far more intentional about things… like intentionally setting study time and prayer time, being intentional about spending time with important people, being intentional about setting good habits… being intentional is part of decision making… a choice.

But, I’ve written a lot about making positive choices.  So, I decided to hone in on the word “increase”.  Most often I see this word chosen due to its relation to career performance and outcomes.  I want to increase my reach.  I want to increase my income.  I want to increase my sales.  I want to increase my customer base.  I want to increase my product line.

Next, it will fall into our personal lives.  Increasing health.  Increasing time with loved ones.  Increasing our time spent resting, traveling, etc.

I’d like to suggest we consider the scriptures:

John 3:30

“He must become greater; I must become less.”

Perhaps the greatest increase is when I decrease.

Chronicling 40: Day 178 of 365

Continuing the exploration of common “Word of the Year” choices…

In a spirit of full transparency, I have to admit that I don’t understand this as a goal for the year.  I can’t think of a time when being “determined” has not been part of who I am and how I operate.  As a kid, I was determined to do well in school.  My mother never had to fight with me about doing homework or finishing projects on time.  I was determined to finish college even when marriage and children put that on hold for a bit.  I was determined in my career, determined to master hobbies, etc.  I’ve never lacked determination only tools and time.  Both of which can be eventually remedied.

But, I would like to talk about the positive and negative of determination.  I remember once hearing a parent say:  “It’s like he is determined to get into as much trouble as possible.”

Just as I can’t comprehend not having determination in my life, I definitely can not understand having determination and using it in a negative way.  But isn’t that the case for some people?  They just seem bent on doing things the wrong way or the hard way every single time.  They have choices before them, and overwhelmingly (if not always) choose the wrong path.  So, I decided to hit the dictionary:

determined:  having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it.

There it was, the explanation I needed.  Determination itself isn’t positive or negative, it’s just a decision… firm and unwavering.  Each of us can CHOOSE how we employ that decision into our lives.  Will we choose to make good decisions that will bring us love, joy, peace, community, a future, stability, etc.   Or, will we choose to make bad decisions that will be dangerous, bringing chaos, instability, loneliness, and struggle?

Recently, I was involved in a conversation with another woman who was in desperate need of advice.  Since I wasn’t directly involved and had no emotional ties to it, I was able to see things objectively and offer some solutions.  No matter what I offered, she countered a reason or excuse as to why that wouldn’t work.  She had resolved that this wasn’t going to go her way and unwilling to see any opportunity to change it.  She was determined that this bad thing was going to happen, end of story.

Being determined doesn’t always play out in a positive way, and I wonder if that makes it a good candidate for the “Word of the Year”?

Then again, it’s really not the word but rather what you make of it in your life.