“Let the Church Say…”

Recently, I was given a deck of conversation cards that had different topics related to church life. It’s actually posed as a game, and outside of the discussion cards there are response cards dished out to the players. One if you agree, one if you disagree. Once the players respond, everyone gets a change to defend their response and see if they can “convert” another player into changing their perspective. Points are gained by majority rules, but you can gain bonus points through this conversion twist.

First, let me point out that this gives me a LOT of varying thoughts. I’m probably going to use this game in speaking illustrations in the future. But, the point of my starting this post was that I actually think some of the discussion points in the game are pretty solid and worth discussing here.

Today’s topic…. Dating and the Church:

A person should leave their home church if they break up with someone that attends their same church.

I really wasn’t a regular attender of church until I was married, I also married really young. When it came to dating, I was really protective of my space. I didn’t date anyone in high school who actually attended my school. In college, we didn’t share any mutual classes. When I started working, I never dated a coworker. I’ve never really had to deal with a break up in a shared space or community. This was 100% intentional on my part, because of this vary discussion question. What do you do when you have to see this person regularly, especially if the break up was messy?

If I was a single in church, I am guessing I would have probably applied the same principles and avoided dating someone that I attended church with, for this very reason… a messy break up creates an awkward atmosphere. So unless you attend a church with more than one service, or that is so large you can avoid each other… what do you do? What does this look like if you are serving on the same team (like both on the worship team)? I think a mutual decision that it’s not the right fit is easier, or if it was just a couple of dates and you both decided the chemistry wasn’t their. However, if this was a long term relationship or the circumstances of the breakup were not mutual… yikes.

But this your church family, it’s not exactly easy to just pick up and go somewhere else.

While I think if I were single, I wouldn’t date someone from my church in principle… I also think that if we broke up, I could manage being in the same building under most normal circumstances of breakup. If it was super traumatic, I could see myself taking a few weeks off but eventually coming back. I also think that if the circumstances were extreme, I could see myself speaking with church leadership about it (if the person was in need of guidance, correction).

As a church leader, I also think I would be very understanding of someone choosing to leave the church because it was too difficult and no way to avoid one another. But, I would caution that person because eventually you’ll run out of churches to switch to. I think I would try to help the person stay if at all possible.

I’m definitely curious about the dating experiences of people dating in their local churches, share if you feel comfortable. Also curious about how church leaders have dealt with the relationships that come and go in their churches.

So much to update… Here we go….

There is literally so much that I want to say, things that I have been contemplating as blog posts and then frankly I just didn’t get time to write them. Thoughts. Updates. New adventures. Here I am finding myself sitting on my day off and realizing I need to write something to the blog, only to log in and find out my last post was in April.

April.

Yikes. So… here we go….

The Career Move

In March of this year, I made the decision to leave full time ministry and return to the secular marketplace. This is not to say that I don’t still DO ministry, that I’m not still writing and speaking, but rather that my primary source of income is a regular 9-5. I was hired into a company to open and launch their newest location in our area. In the month of March, I traveled to another location for training, and then it was all hands on deck to open our location April 15th. Once we were opened, it was still all hands on deck. You learn, in the process of opening, that theoretical training and practical application are two totally different things.

In other words, it doesn’t matter how much training you give someone, going live with that training is a totally unique experience. You can equip them the best you can, but launch day brings with it uniqueness that is not found in training. There are not clients starting you in the face demanding you work at an expedited speed. Your equipment will inevitably fail on opening week simply from taxing a system that was being underutilized before customers and clients were factored in.

Honestly, I feel like we finally hit our stride in mid July, where overall things were functioning pretty seamlessly.

The Book Deal

Intermixed during this season, I was also in the midst of several rounds of book edits. This is SUCH a process, that you don’t even really understand until you are an author. When I was working on my first book, I thought that once you wrote the manuscript and it went to the “editors” that my job was basically complete. They would polish it and make it even better. Friend, that was naivety on my part.

The editors send you back a marked up version of your manuscript, and you make all of the edits. Every missed comma, misspelled word, or sentence that needs to be rewritten. They will of course make suggestions, which is helpful to see how the reader is interpreting your words, but the work is still on you… and it comes with a deadline. You may go through several rounds of edits as well, with different editors leaving their own fingerprints all over your manuscript.

I promise you though… it is SOOOO worth it. Tedious work, but the end product is so much better.

As the edits were coming to an end, I was also sent the draft for my book’s cover… and I can not express to you how much in love with it I am.

I am going to write a separate post about the book, more in depth, but for those who are already following this part of my life… you can pre-order it through my publisher now. Release date is in Spring 2023.

The Ministry

When I left full time ministry, I had spent the better part of my life (over half, honestly) serving in the local church and community. I’m incredibly proud of the work I had done, but walking away was incredibly difficulty. To be totally honest, I didn’t want to. While this is also going to be another topic for another day, I will say that I was growing weary of trying so hard to be the hands and feet in a space that no longer wanted me.

Prior to the Covid shut down, I was already feeling a tinge of it. Through the shut down, it became more obvious. Finally, as things started opening back up I realized it was time to make a decision. And, one that in some ways I am struggling to find peace with. Yet right in the middle of that is where I am seeing God work.

First, He led to me others who had been experiencing the same things I was OR who had insight that I needed to hear. He’s been patient with me and I had to be patient with Him to unravel and reveal to me my next steps in His timing.

Second, He brought me to a place where I had to examine my own long held beliefs AND challenge myself in the areas I didn’t think were worth debating. There were hills that I would tell people that I didn’t feel were worthy dying on, when there were people basically being murdered on these same hills. I couldn’t turn a blind eye to it any longer.

Third, He affirmed the book. When I signed that contract in 2021, knowing the release was in 2023, I questioned the timing. Would my topic be relevant then? Would the conversations on this issue already be drying up. Each day, I would encounter something that would reinforce that this was an issue that was not going away. In fact, I feel that my topic is more timely now than ever.

Finally, He confirmed that I didn’t really leave ministry. Ministry is not something we are “involved in”. Ministry is who we are from the moment we are adopted into this family. It’s the core of what we do, ministering to the hearts of those He puts into our paths.

We can not leave ministry, because it is something we carry with us every where that we go.

In my new employment, every day I have the opportunity to watch someone grow and thrive. Investing in them from the bank of knowledge, helping them forge a career path, seeing those who have been overlooked, giving people jobs to provide for their family, helping them move higher in the company ranks, and ultimately provide for themselves and their family.

I come home and sob in my driveway, because I helped someone get promoted. Go from part time to full time. Get a pay increase. Get benefits. Find security in an insecure world.

And… in every little seed… there is Truth.

For He is at the heart of all that I am… and all that I do.

Right now, I’m watching Him repay what the locusts have eaten.

The harvest is plentiful.

This worker punches in her time card.

Let’s get to work.

One place may have not wanted my gifts and talents. But, rather than bury them under the ground… I took them elsewhere and the fruit is good.

The Unintended Social Experiment

It’s been a little quiet around here because a LOT has been happening behind the scenes.

First, I had spent the better part of the beginning of this year working on the first round of edits for my upcoming book. Just as soon as I finished those edits, I was recording two leadership training videos. The literal next day after finishing the video edits, I started a brand new job which was opening up a Sprouts Farmers Market in my home city. Opening a store is a adventure and a lot of work. As an operations manager I was able to help 100 people start a new job, with a great company, and it is a joy to see jobs opening in my city. The majority of our residents commute to nearby counties for their work.

As a result, I’ve been working a crazy schedule with varied hours based on what needed to be done that day. I’m super grateful for a husband and kids who picked up the slack like champs. The house didn’t fall into chaos, people got to school on time, and for the most part it’s not been a lack of my presence but just a matter of being extraordinarily tired. Opening a store is a marathon, a lot to do, in a short amount of time, and then once on the other side you can stop and catch your breath and let your body rest. You move into the rhythms of the every day job which is entirely different.

This is not my first store that I’ve opened, but first with Sprouts. I actually LOVE opening a store.

One day, I came home after a long day. I hadn’t even made it through the foyer when my husband said… “I made a mistake.”

My husband had made breakfast and lunch, using two of my cast iron pieces. Which he promptly put into the dishwasher. Now you understand the photo.

He didn’t know. He’s never even cooked with cast iron before. I’m mostly thankful that these were two newer pieces and not my grandmother’s skillet. I didn’t make a big deal about it, explained not to do it again, but that with some elbow grease I’d get them back in order.

We laughed about it. I went to twitter, where my normal posts get around 20 likes, and posted the picture and a simple statement.

After the post, I hopped off the internet to make dinner.

I had no idea what was going to happen next.

My phone was pinging with notifications non stop. Likes. Retweets. Comments.

I couldn’t even keep up with them. I tried.

This went on for days. Then weeks. It’s been a month and not a day goes by that I don’t get a notification.

I believe this is what “going viral” is like, and I am bewildered.

Inadvertently, I stumbled into a social experiment and decide to watch it ride out. I posted very little after that. I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire with new content trying to coerce more attention. I wanted to see the natural flow and progression.

I wouldn’t never have guess that a month would pass and people would still have any interest, let alone still engage with that post.

I used no hashtags to draw people there.

Just a photo and a statement.

In addition to watching the numbers rise, I found myself even more intrigued by the comments. Here is what I learned or observed over the last month…

1. The internet, especially twitter, has very strong opinions on the keeping and care of cast iron. Some were absolutely astounded that my husband didn’t know better, and others shared that they too had made the same error. There were even a few who lamented over the work it takes to keep cast iron and that’s why they no longer use it.
2. The majority of the people who commented are hysterical. Some of my favorite comments said things like… “You mean your ex-husband” or questions about whether or not he survived the evening. I had a few people offer to help me hide the body, and even a few marriage proposals that included their credentials in cast iron care.
3. Despite the fact that I never asked for how to restore my cast iron, I received many step by step how to’s, links to tutorials, and even information on a business where I can send them to and they will restore them for me.
4. There were of course a fair share of comments along the lines of “so what?” or “it’s not that big a deal”. Clearly reading more into my few words that I intended.
5. Several people decided to chastise me over my own “care” of cast iron because they felt they must not have been seasoned properly in the first place if one single dishwasher cycle did that much damage. Which resulted in my having to clarify that they were newer pieces.
6. A very small percentage were absolutely horrified that I would publicly shame my husband on twitter for likes, accused me of being emotionally/mentally abusive to my husband, and one went so far to report me to twitter over it.

I’ll let that last one sink in a bit.

When I told my husband about it, he just laughed.

The ridiculousness of the internet.

He said he couldn’t have cared less that I posted it. He found most of the comments funny. And, in the end was so nonchalant about the entire thing. He said the simple truth. He didn’t know. His mom never taught him that. I had never explained it to him. And, he had never washed them before.

Historically, when I have used my cast iron, as soon as I can, I will clean it out and put it away. It never even makes it near the sink. He’s probably never even witnessed my cleaning it.

This unplanned experiment reveals so much about the way people respond to what happens around them.

My simple sentence was tainted by their own experiences and interpretation. Assumptions were made, accusations too. Conclusions were jumped to, and unsolicited opinions and education were given without reservation.

My next post might be a picture of a flower. I will caption it…

“This is a flower.

That is all.

That is the post.”

And then, I will sit back and see what kind of controversy that stirs up.

PS.

My husband says hi.

Project 642: I have no idea…

The prompt from the book is to write about an object that I purchased but that I can not remember why I bought it in the first place.

I don’t have any such item. However, I do have an item that is sitting in my garage right now and I have no idea why.

When we purchased our new home, I bought a tension shower curtain rod for one of the bathrooms. Unfortunately it’s a corner shower and this particular rod was not going to work. I set it in the garage, since I couldn’t return it (on sale, no returns). A few months later, I went out to the garage to get it, as I had a sudden need for a tension rod. It was gone.

The following week, I went around the side of the house to throw some trash into our outdoor bins when I saw it. There was the tension rod! My husband figured it was time to let it go and had taken it from the garage to our trash cans.

For the life of me, I couldn’t not remember WHY I wanted it. I just knew that I did.

I brought it into the house, hoping my memory would catch up with the find.

Nope.

So, now it’s back in the garage.

#project642 #leadership #christianwomen #writingcommunity #hopewriters

Project 642: A Stapler

My parents were divorced, and when I was younger we had visitation at my fathers once a week. In his spare bedroom, he had a make shift office. Across the counter were assorted office supplies one would keep on their desk. Cup full of pens, stapler, tape dispenser, and a metal partitioned stand for organizing bills and papers.

We were told we were not allowed to touch any of these things.

He would know if we did.

I would sneak in the room when he was outside mowing the lawn or talking to a neighbor.

Popping in quickly, I’d just poke the stapler with my little finger, and run away.

Never picked it up or shifted it.

Just a quick touch.

He never said anything about it. I am confident that I got away with it.

As I got older, the relationship was complicated. Eventually I chose to not spend anymore time with him. I didn’t agree with some life choices he was making. I expected better of him. He let me down. My mom said it was my choice and she would back me.

5 years later, I was ready. We saw each other a handful of times.

Then he moved away.

15 years passed before I saw him one final time.

12 years later he passed away.

His stapler is on my desk.

#project642 #leadership #christianwomen #writingcommunity #hopewriters

Project 642: Untruthful Adults

The first time that I realized that adults were not always truthful was when I was in elementary school. At the time, I didn’t have the capacity to understand the circumstances of my family situation. My parents were divorced, my father wasn’t great about paying his child support, my mom was not making enough to support us on her own, and we lived with my grandmother.

I just knew that my mom would make promises to me about going somewhere or buying something for me “next payday” and it would never happen. I would ask to join a sport or activity and my mom would make up an excuse to why I couldn’t participate. From my micro-perspective, it just seemed like she just didn’t want to & kept putting me off.

One day, my parents were called into the principals office. Both of them. I was in the school’s afternoon program, on a trip to the bathroom, I slipped into a teacher’s classroom and stole candy that I knew she kept in her desk. I have no idea how I got caught, but the school called my parents, and I was in trouble.

When my parents heard what I had done, they acted in shock that I would do such a thing. They both suggested that had I only asked for it they would have gotten some for me. I didn’t need to steal it.

That was a lie.

I knew it.

They knew it.

And I called them out on it.

Not just that, but I unloaded all of my catalog of broken promises.

“No, you wouldn’t. You never do. You say you will, but you don’t.” The gates opened, my feelings were unleashed. I left with my mom. Silence the whole ride home.

My grandmother would sit me down later and explain the reality of things to me. How hard things were for my mom, and how much she tried to protect us from seeing how tight things really were. By no means did I get a pass for stealing, but she felt it was time that I understood why there were so many empty promises and diversions.

My mom wanted to do… but couldn’t. She just didn’t have the funds. She hoped that her answers would pacify requests and I would forget and move on. That was easier than telling me that would couldn’t even afford to buy something as simple as candy let alone bigger ticket items like trips or the newest fashion fad.

I had learned earlier that adults were not always truthful, my mom was being dishonest.

I also learned that the dishonesty of adults is often for complex reasons vs. being intentionally deceitful.

I’m not suggesting that lying is ok or something I would approve of people doing… but rather with age and experience I have begun to understand the nuances around it… and I judge less harshly when someone is being dishonest.

I try to look beyond the lie … and ask why.

#leadwell #project642 #memories #leadership

Project 642: Object Associations

In my bathroom I have a glass jar that has a tapestry lid. I’ve had this jar for about 22 years. Before that, it belonged to my grandmother.

My grandmother was a registered nurse, and in this jar she kept her bobby pins used to attach her nurses cap. When I was a little girl, the hospital she worked in still had the nurses in the white uniform dresses and caps. I can remember her standing in the kitchen polishing up her shoes with the white shoe polish bottle and sponge.

I was always fascinated by the tapestry on the jar lid, and would be found nosing into it. She would chase me away. For the most part, she was a frugal woman. She took great care in putting back every bobby pin each night. There was no reason to replace them if she kept track of them, right?

(Unlike me, who has probably thrown away more than she’s ever owned.)

When my grandmother passed away, it was the one thing I wanted. A reminder of her.

I keep my bobby pins in it.

#leadwell #project642 #memories #leadership

Project 642: Finding My Voice

I remember the time I first heard my on voice.

Not a fan.

I can’t really pinpoint what it was that I didn’t like, I just didn’t. The book prompt asked whether or not I thought my voice suited me, would I change it if I could, and if it had changed over the years. I do believe that at some point my youth I thought that girls would go through some sort of vocal puberty like guys and perhaps my voice would change significantly.

I was let down. I simply had a more mature version on my childhood voice. I could still hear that familiar tone.

When I was in college, my first degree was in theatre. I had been participating in theatre since middle school. I started picking up little tricks on how to change my voice a bit. It was all temporary, no real lasting fixes. Although I suppose if I was immersed in another country long enough I could sustain their accents. But not vocal sound, that I was going to be stuck with.

Of all of the voices I ever heard Robin Williams do, when I think of him speaking I hear his normal speaking voice. I have tricks up my sleeve, but my voice… is my voice.

I was in my early 30’s when I heard someone compliment my voice for the first time. This was a business connection that I had been communicating with exclusively through emails and our company’s message board. When she heard me speak, she said she was taken back a bit. She said it didn’t match my photo and chuckled a bit as she said it sounded sexy.

Trust me that was not ever on my radar about how I would describe my voice. Nor has anyone ever since. But, I will say that I did take that as a compliment. (No, it wasn’t a pick up line either).

It did affirm, to me, that my voice and my look just didn’t mesh.

I always wondered if that is why I struggled to get acting jobs… and later if that was why I wasn’t invited to speak at certain things. I recall once hearing a friend comment about not wanting to attend a national women’s conference because she simply “couldn’t stand the sound of that woman’s voice”. Whether or not she was a qualified teacher was irrelevant. Not even that long ago I heard a Pastor comment about an amazing ministry educator. He said she was really good at what she did, but he just couldn’t handle listening to her. He’d much rather read her material.

So, there is some validity in my concerns. Could the actual tonal quality of my voice hold me back from the things I feel called to?

It was the latter part of that question that helped me to find and feel secure in my voice.

1st, if God is calling me to it… no man… or my own voice.. can keep me from it.

2nd, not everyone will like me, my voice, my look, or my teachings. I wasn’t called to teach/lead everyone. I’m the right person for the right people.

3rd, this is how I was made. Knit this way, by the one who considered every detail of my being.

I can be glad in that.

#project642 #leadership #leadwell #wmwithpurpose #stillhere #ministryleader #ministry #leadership

Project 642: Lessons & Insight

I was given the following prompt as a jumping off point:

“Using the following template, write about a lesson you learned or an insight you gained. At the time, I felt/thought/acted __________. Now, I see/understand/admit that __________“

At the time, I felt like this was a team of people who I could trust completely and ultimately felt betrayed by them. Now, I see that they were too afraid to speak up because they felt the cost to defend my reputation was too great.

I’m reflecting back to a situation where I felt set up to be the scapegoat for others who had just as much concerns with the way leadership was handling a situation as I did. I was the willing mouthpiece. In the moment, it was a terribly painful thing to experience.

In the years since, I’ve learned more about what it is like to be a woman in leadership within the church. My experiences outside of the church were so different, and my expectation was that in the church because we are a “family” it would be better. Yet, I found so much more dysfunction. Ultimately, my expectations were too high and in the years since I have learned that when it comes to leadership relationships and communication between leaders (and leaders with members) we could do a LOT better of a job.

I’ve also learned that because of some latent attitudes towards women in church leadership, as well as previous experiences in how women have been treated in leadership roles… that we’ve all become a little gun shy. We know that our future leadership roles and success all lay on a fragile foundation. When push comes to shove few are going to be willing to risk their own neck when they know everything is on the line.

It took me some time to come to terms with that. To understand it. To even forgive.

It also took time for us to come together again and hash through those moments. For me to learn of what was done, the way things were handled, the miscommunication and misinformation, and so many other layers pulled back.

Knowing what I know now, just as a woman in ministry… I don’t begrudge the choices they made at the time. I did learn from it, and I will not repeat that scenario again.

I’m wiser for it.

As a leader.

As a member.

As a woman.

#project642 #leadership #leadwell #womeninministry #womensministry #wmwithpurpose #ministryleaders

Project 642: Positions of Power

Today’s prompt asked what was the highest position of power I ever held, and how might it have changed me.

Let’s jump right into my own philosophy of leadership. I have been a “leader”, a “director”, and a “manager” before. While these are all leadership positions, up the chain of hierarchy, and would be classified as authoritative positions… I really cringe at the notion they are position of “power” even if others would say that is exactly what they are.

Why do I cringe?

Because I personally don’t believe in a leadership philosophy of wielding power of another. If you have ever worked with me on a project, in a ministry, or under my direct leadership then you would know that I am firmly planted in the idea that a good leader is someone who is leading others well. I enjoy giving others the reign. I like to open my platform. I have hosted events where I have trusted other speakers vs. keeping the audience for myself. I like to develop those who are part of my team to become better leaders.

Note that I said “part of my team” and not “under me”.

We lead together. We do the work together.

I will never ask someone to do something that I wouldn’t do myself.

I have unclogged toilets and I have cleaned up things that shall not be described here. I have worked the worst shift or stepped back to do the supportive work so that others can shine.

I am always looking for and developing the person who I see will become my replacement. I’m not afraid if they learn it faster than I, or do it better. I’m not fearful that the student will surpass the master, instead I celebrate it. It means that I did my job well.

So, while I may have held positions of authority … they didn’t change me. In fact, witnessing how others have been changed by it cause me to double down to my philosophy.

Lead with me, not by me.

#project642 #leadwell #leadership #authority #management #director #womeninleadership #womeninministry