A thought on Gossip disguised as Prayer.

I think we have all experienced, at one time or another, a person who uses the prayer request time during small group to openly gossip.  Or, you get stopped in the church lobby by someone who has an urgent prayer request for you… and you know that their intentions are less than honorable.  I think gossip disguised as prayer is something that becomes more obvious, especially as you mature in your faith.

However, I’ve noticed another form of gossip and it’s absolutely unintentional.  I recognized it, even spoke to the person about it, and yet at the same times I was bothered by how it happened in the first place.  Only recently was I able to put my finger on exactly what the underlying issue is.

It was many months ago, when I was sitting in a meeting.  A woman came into the meeting, she was clearly upset.  She asked those of us in the meeting if we could pray for her neighbor.   As she left her home to get to the meeting, she became aware of a serious situation unfolding.  Knowing the neighbor’s background, this dear woman knew that prayer was something that was needed.  We were happy to pray for her neighbor.

However, it was how it all unfolded that made me uncomfortable.  As she explained the prayer request, she also went into a long description of the woman’s history, past issues she had witnessed, her concerns for the woman, etc.  I was uncomfortable because I knew that I didn’t need all of this information in order to pray for this woman. God already knew her details.  I couldn’t help but wonder, “What if someone in this room knows the woman?  What if they recognize her in the details?  What if they got a call on their way in about this situation, and here is someone putting it all out on the table?”   I also questioned whether or not this woman had permission to share these details with complete strangers.

After the meeting, my heart weighed heavy.  I recognized that I was in a situation that was a well intentioned, sincere, prayer request.  At the same time, it had the familiarity of sitting and listening to gossip.  I knew that our colleague was NOT the gossiping type, there was no question of her integrity in this matter.  It was clear to me that she had no idea what she had just done was really inappropriate.

I spoke with her directly, and then I shared a memo to our team about prayer requests in the future.  I made sure that I hit all the major points, starting with making sure we have permission to share details and clarity on which details can be shared and which cannot.  I stated that if you didn’t have permission to share, prayer requests for that person should be done in name only and leave the details to the Lord.  I reminded our team that it is a small community, and you never know who may actually know the person you are speaking about.  It may not be our place to share the dirty laundry they are struggling with.  I even pointed out that giving out too much information was akin to gossip and we must be careful.

We’ve never had a situation since.  However, I’ve not been able to let the situation go.  I really wanted to understand HOW that happened in the first place.  How did she not realize she was giving too much information & teetering on the edge of gossip?  Why did she not even consider that someone in the room may know this person?  What kept her from taking into consideration that she should ask for permission to share the details?  And, truthfully why did she even feel it was necessary to give all of this information in the first place.  These questions stuck with me for quite some time.  Today, I figured it out.

I was speaking with a friend about the difference between men and women.  My husband once came home with a handful of cash.  His boss’ wife was in the hospital, they took up a collection and wanted to send flowers.  He handed me the cash and asked if I could handle it, he gave me her name and the hospital she was at.  I began to ask questions.  What was the procedure?  When was she admitted?  How long would she be there for?  My husband thought I was being nosy asking for so many details.  However, that wasn’t the case at all.  I needed to know the details to determine if I needed to spend extra on next day delivery while she was still in the hospital, or could put the money into a nicer arrangement that could be delivered a day or two later.  Was she in a room/ward where should could have flowers or would a balloon arrangement be more appropriate.

Details are important to women.   Details help us to see the bigger picture, and understand the full scope of the circumstances.  We see the details as important particularly in areas where we have more experience, so that we can respond appropriately.  When we pray, being able to pray in detail can make us feel more productive and involved than a general prayer.

Recently, a friend reached out for help.  A pretty terrible situation fell upon one of her family members.  She needed prayer and she really needed actually help of donations of funds or physical items.  In honesty, her first few sentences were more than enough.  Anyone with a heart would have felt bad for the family and would help anyway that could.  However, as she explained the need, she gave a LOT of backstory.  It was as if she was trying to justify her request for immediate prayer and immediate help.  His current situation was bad enough, but she felt by sharing more of his history we could see that it’s been one thing after another.  She felt this information either helped to justify her plea for help or would illicit more response from us due to the urgency and severity of the circumstance.

The more details we give, the more we can connect with people on a mental and emotional level.  The more details we have, the more real something is.  The more details we have, the more urgent a need is.  The more details we have, the more we can justify our actions or help others to justify responding to our need.  When we express details ahead of a prayer request, we are attempting to get an emotional reaction to the request.  It is a way of indicating that this prayer is necessary, urgent, and needs to be taken seriously.  It can also be our way of justifying the request, especially if we are going interrupt something else happening to make the request.

As I think about my colleague, I realized this was the case for her.  From her perspective, it was highly unlikely that we would know this woman.  She wanted to interrupt our meeting to pray for her neighbor, and therefore felt as if she had to justify that interruption.  Her heart was so broken for this woman, that she wanted to make sure we understood the urgency and severity of her request.  She was using the details so that we would view the request with the same importance she did.

This heartfelt desire for compassion and urgency in praying is why my colleague was incapable of thinking rationally about how she was going about her petition for prayer.  It was her concern for this woman that kept her from seeing with clarity that she might be gossiping. Her intentions were noble and wonderful.  When I spoke with her about my perspective, and how uncomfortable it made me… she was apologetic.  In hindsight she could see what she didn’t see in the moment.

So, I ask this of you.  Before you accuse someone of gossip disguised in prayer, consider what you know about the person.  It could simply be a matter of their heart overthrowing their reason, because they love and hurt so much for the world and those who live in it.

Also, make sure you ask yourself before sharing any prayer request:

• Do I have permission to share?
• How much do I have permission to share?
• Am I sharing these details because they are important or to justify my request?

Oh, Orlando. My heart breaks for you.

When you wake up in the morning, and you log onto Facebook and one of the first things you read is that your friends living in Orlando are safe…

When the next few posts you read are flooding for prayers for a city that is only a couple of hours driving distance away, because there was a horrible tragedy that stole the lives of people who were not seeking trouble but just to have a good time…

When you continue reading that the person responsible for this crime is from your county, and made the decision to get in his car, drive to another county, and do the unthinkable…

When the posts on Facebook that follow are telling you to go donate blood over the course of the next few days to “replenish supplies”…

It takes you back in time.

To a moment when two airplanes crashed into two towers… and you thought: NO, NOT HERE!

This morning you are thinking:  NO, NOT AGAIN.

There are people that I have encountered throughout my life that I don’t care for.  Perhaps they make decisions I don’t agree with or have even caused me great pain.  Yet, I’ve never wished the person dead.  I’ve never wanted to end their time on this earth, to take them from their loved ones… Never.

So, I can not wrap my head around someone who walks into a building and opens fire.  Other than to say that THIS is an act of EVIL.   I don’t even have to point blame at a particular community or group, because EVIL is pervasive and sneaky.  EVIL shows up sometimes in the places we would least expect it.

When you tell me that you do not believe in God or the Devil… I use this as my evidence.  There is EVIL in this world, evil that we simply can not comprehend but we know it when we see it.  Evil that twists sacred words from religious texts that cause people to do the unspeakable in the name of religion.  Evil that twists the thoughts of people who are often described as being “such a nice person” into plunging themselves into a decision that alters the course of the lives of those they touch in unmeasurable ways.

Not every person who commits a crime such as this is mentally ill, or the product of their environment.  Some are simple people who were infected by EVIL.

I do not fear evil.  For the Lord has not given me a spirit of fear.  I do not fear evil because I believe the Word of God that says the victory is HIS.  I do not fear man, because he can not separate me from the love of God.

But I do feel pain, sorrow, mourning, loss, hurt, and all of the adjectives that I can’t put to words at the moment.  I am hurting for those who were lost.  I am grieving for those family members and friends who mourning this very moment.  I am anxious for those who are still trying to get information on their loved ones.  I am broken for the state of our world, that THIS happens in the first place.

So, I pray for Orlando.  I pray because they are a city in mourning. I pray because their safety has been compromised.  I pray because this is the second tragedy to hit them in a weeks time.  I pray for those who are being drug into fear.  I pray for those who are planning funerals in the coming days.  I pray for those who are lost.  I pray for those who are simply crying out because they have no words left.  I pray for those who are yelling because they are all out of tears.  I pray for those who are watching this event unfold and asking “am I safe?”.

When you see someone in your own community scared and hurting, reach out to them.  Pray with them and let them know why…

I pray for you, because I love you.  I mourn for you, because I love you.  I am angry with you, because I love you.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

What is love?

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love does not envy,
is not boastful, is not conceited,
⁵ does not act improperly,
is not selfish, is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
⁶ Love finds no joy in unrighteousness
but rejoices in the truth.
⁷ It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸ Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

What is the Christian response to this heinous act?

We love.  We pray.  We help. We donate blood.  We hug.  We cry.  We hold their hands.  We become a shoulder.  We donate to help cover expenses.  We simply choose to be PRESENT.

The gift of the blood of Christ saved me, I pray that each us is willing to do the same.  Let us lay our personal lives aside for the moment, and donate.  Bring a car load, shut your business down for an hour and bring your whole staff, respond with great generosity.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

Blood Drive Statement:

There has been a tremendous response by blood donors in light of the tragic mass shooting in Orlando. We are asking donors to donate over the next several days to help replenish the blood supply. We are asking people please make an appointment online or call 1.888.9.DONATE (1.888.936.6283).

When Introverts Grieve

Introverts already have a hard time dealing socially with other people.  They can find their energy drained by interactions with other people, social situations, etc.  They recharge their batteries by withdrawing to solitude.   It doesn’t mean that introverts don’t like to engage socially with others, or try to avoid it like the plague.  It simply means that when they do socialize, it takes a lot out of them.  Therefore, introverts will not overwhelm their schedules with lots of plans.  They are very choosy about what they say yes to, and how often they say yes.  They are the most forgiving, of your friends, when you have to cancel.  They are very intentional with their time, and recognize that they need time off.

It would surprise many of friends to hear me say that I am an introvert… but it is the truth.  I’m very selective about my friends, cautious with my time, and can enjoy the complete silence of an empty house.  Even though when I AM out, I can talk your ear off and have a great time.

One of the most difficult times for an introvert, in my experiences, is when we are grieving.   Loss is hard on anyone, but for introverts it is also exhausting.  We appreciate your phone calls, messages, emails, cards, etc.  We are thankful for your offers of help and concern for our well being.   In dealing with death, we are already overwhelmed.  We are overwhelmed by our own emotions.  We are trying to navigate conversations with immediate and extended family members, hosting out of town guests, planning funeral or memorial arrangements.  We are making plans, writing obituaries, or having to think about what we will say at the funeral.  It’s a lot to contend with.

Then we are compounded by phone calls from well meaning people WHOM WE LOVE.  Truth is… introverts do not want to talk about what has happened any more than they have to.  We are not ready yet to answer questions or hear the same words over and over again.  It is NOT because we don’t want to talk to you right now.  It is because it is incredibly hard.  We just can’t do it.  Our conversations will be short, we may not have all of the answers to your questions yet, and frankly we may not even be emotionally or mentally ready to do so… and we need you to be okay with that.

So, how do you show an introvert you care?

Please do not just show up at our door, no matter how upset we are.  We need our solitude right now, and depending on who it was that passed away … we may need to cleave to our immediate family.  If we need someone to come and sit with us, trust me… we know we can call you.  We know you will be there. 

Dropping off meals is a sweet gesture, but we may not be up for the visit.  And I know you think you will just drop off and go… but we all know that a visit will happen.  If you feel like helping in this way, send a gift card for a local pizza place (even Little Caesars for $5.55 ready to go pizzas).  It doesn’t have to be an expensive meal.

Phone calls are a personal touch, but personal can be hard right now.  A quick text, a card in the mail, or an email w/o expectation of an immediate response is better.  It gives us time to respond when we are up to it.  Do not think that we see this gesture as cold or unsympathetic…. we appreciate it more than you realize.

Introverts cope differently than you would expect, the time we may need to lean on you may be weeks or months later, after the dust settles.  Be there for us then, pray for us now.

Introverts appreciate practicality and solutions during a time of grieving.  If you work for a hotel and can help us with discounted accommodations for family flying in to town, that is better than flowers or a meal.  With the recent passing of my Father In Law, there was a specific task that needed to be handled & we had no idea how to handle it.  I reached out to a friend and asked her help in the matter.  This to me was a relief that we didn’t have to navigate it alone, and that there was someone level headed doing the thinking for us.  

Finally, I would suggest offering specific help.  I’m just as guilty of saying to someone “Let me know if I can help in anyway”…. because we love that person, we want to help, but we don’t know how.  It’s a genuine offer.   However, having been on the other side of the situation, our brains don’t always know how to answer that question.  So instead of offering a blanket answer, offer what you know you can.   These are merely suggestions, and not applicable to our current situation:

• Does your mother in law need someone to mow the lawn over the next few weeks?  My husband said he would be happy to come by.
• Until things get settled, if anything needs fixing around the house, let the church know.  We’ll send our handy man to help you.
• Since our kids go to school together, once you go back to work, I’m happy to pick your kids up from school until you can figure out a plan.
• I’m happy to watch the kids when you guys have to make arrangements.  (Or – I’m happy to keep the kids while you are at the memorial/funeral, if that would make it easier for you.)
• If you ever just don’t want to be alone, call me… I’ll bring the popcorn and the movies.

My husband and I were just talking tonight about this subject, a family friend called today (my Father in Law passed on Monday).  My husband appreciated that our friends have not been ringing our phone off the hook. It gives him time to process, and I knew exactly what he meant.  It also shows just how well people know us, because this is not a post of complaint.  Our friends have been absolutely amazing in giving us space and time as a family.

This post is just to share a little insight into the mind of the introverts in your life, when they are grieving.  KNOW that we love you.  We KNOW that you are thinking about us.  We KNOW that you care, and are willing to help.  Just know that more now than ever, we need that peace that comes from solitude, to re-energize ourselves for the heavy tasks ahead of us in the coming days and weeks.

#Write31Days – Post 9 – False Spirituality

The lights come on, the camera is rolling, there is beautiful music being played, voices fill the air with their melodic song, and then the speaker delivers a powerful message.  We leave from that place invigorated and inspired to change our ways, to pray more and read the Bible every day.  We agree to hold each other accountable, to volunteer more, and to give more as we become better stewards.  Our lives are so affected and changed that each week we will invite more and more people to hear this person, this godly and spiritual gift from heaven.

This may go on for weeks, months, years and even decades.  Then it happens, one day we turn on the news and that gift is being splashed across the screen.  The person we held in such high regard has been accused or even arrested, or has stepped forward to admit and unexpected truth.  We try to deny it, but ultimately the truth always comes out.  We have to face the fact that this person, whom we held in such high regard, was nothing but a phony.

When I was a child, I remember watching television with my grandmother on Sundays.  There was one particular show she would watch, where a beautiful woman would come on stage… she would sing with such beauty and emotion that tears would stream down her face.  Her husband would then take the stage and preach a message that was convicting and life changing.  They were inspiring people, until the day his fraud was exposed.  People who had supported their ministry were devastated, and many became like me… a hardened skeptic.  I don’t fall for “shows” anymore, and I have learned to watch for the signs of hypocrisy and being disingenuous.

There are people who are REALLY good at faking it.  They may appear to have it all together, the perfect husband, kids and home.  They can spout out bible verses, speak in glorious ways that make them sound learned and wise, they pray out loud using fancy words and phrases, and they know the right lingo that will create an illusion of being holy and righteous.

Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.

Luke 12:3

Sometimes I will see right through a person, from the start.  Yet there are other times where it isn’t quite that obvious.  I may be suspicious, but without any evidence.  Or, the person might be really good at hiding their true self.  Humans are incapable of hiding truth for that long though, eventually we begin to see signs that things are not quite how they are being presented.  Then over time, particularly as the person becomes more comfortable with you – or confident in their ability to deceive – they truth beings to come to surface.  We can see through the facade.

The man who acts like a loving and caring father out in public, but verbally abuses his children or wife.

The pastor who gets caught in an affair or misusing tithes and church funds.

The woman who comes off as a sweet and kind woman at church, but in her home she screams and treats her family like they are nothing.

The ministry leader who prays for spiritual purity in the youth, while he is grooming certain students to be abused.

I am not talking about the person who gets caught up in a singular bad decision, where they lost good sense because of the temptation in front of them.  We are all sinners and have the capability of atrocious things.  I am talking about the person who is consistently and purposefully this way.  They put on a good show for others (and maybe they think it’s impressing God) but in their heart they are truly not changed, in their homes they are the exact opposite of what they preach or teach.

These are people who have a false spirituality.  They know all of the right words, all of the traditions, and how to present themselves in a way that sells their best characteristics.  But inside they are corrupt, manipulative, and deceitful.

Would not God discover this? For he knows the secrets of the heart.

Psalm 44:21

God knows the heart, and He will shine light on the darkness.

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

Luke8:17

These are people who will even try and garner your sympathies as they wallow in their own sin, but it’s just for show.  They are not really interested in changing themselves, they just want to make sure you can’t speak against them.  It’s a guardrail that they put up to protect themselves.  It allows them to speak their truth (sometimes harshly) by tagging on a “I am not perfect” clause as they critique you.  They will claim deliverance from this or that sin, so that after they have torn you down … they can build you back up in as their own image bearer.

People with false spirituality are not trying to make you look Christ-like… hardly!  What they are trying to do is to mold you to look more like they do, they are doing it for the glory.  They shout “LOOK AT ME!  Look at what I have done.  Come, be just like ME!”… and God is not part of that equation.

So, how do we spot “false spirituality” –

• Pray for Discernment – ask God to give you the wisdom and the knowledge to see through those who are frauds.

• Pray for Transparency – pray that God will reveal their hidden truths to you, or the public as a whole.

• Be Observant & Listen – you will begin to notice things that don’t feel quite right, or they will say something that will cause you take pause.  The more you are around them, the more frequently this will happen.

• Look to Others – let me be clear, I am NOT advising you to gossip about a person.  What I am saying is see how others act around them.  Are there people who seem to have modeled themselves to be just like this person?  That’s a clue.  Just as much on the other side, do you notice that the wise people in your church or community are avoiding them like the plague!  That’s a clue too.

• Who Do They Credit – when there is blessing or praise to be given, who does this person credit the glory to?  If they are constantly looking for the pat on the back, the attention, the credit, the glory … be careful.  “Look at what I did…” is just as bad as “Thank you Lord for allowing me this success….”.  In both cases, this is a person who is working in their own strength, on their own agenda. 

No one is going to be perfect, and if you are not careful you can discount just about anyone from being in your life because they are failing or sinful SOMEWHERE.   A genuine person isn’t going to put on the act of spiritual superiority, they are more interested in trying to address their own sin issues than trying to solve everyone else’s.

I recall a woman I was speaking with was sharing a ministry vision, she wanted to create a website where Christians could essential log their community service hours.  She wanted the world to see the good that Christians are doing, so they would see that we are not hypocrites and that we are actively striving to make a better world.

In theory, that sounds good.  But is that biblical? Is that actually a ministry?

Not really.

It was just another way to get a pat on the back for doing a good job.  It was another way of saying “hey, look at me and what I do!”  It didn’t allow God to get the credit, it was a place where instead each person would be able to get the credit they felt they deserved.

“So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.”

Matthew 6:2-4

This is also an great example of “false spirituality” because it gives an appearance of godliness.  When we boast about ourselves and our accomplishments for God, we are actually boasting only of ourselves.  If we truly wanted God to have all the glory, we would leave our names out of it entirely.  We are warned that as the days draw closer to Christ’s return, false spirituality is going to be on the rise as much (if not more) than sin and decay in the world.  When we encounter false spirituality, we must flee from it so that we are not corrupted by it.

But know this:  Difficult times will come in the last days.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding the form of godliness but denying its power.  Avoid these people!

For among them are those who worm their way into households and capture idle women burdened down with sins, led along by a variety of passions, always learning and never able to come to a knowledge of truth.

2 Timothy 3:1-7

 

#Write31Days – Post 8 – Unacknowledged Hurt

Have you ever had someone hurt your feelings, and no matter how you try to address it with the person… they just won’t own it.    They may try to blame you for the issue, or even shift blame by giving you the “if you didn’t ___, then I wouldn’t have ___” excuse.  You may have even apologized for the things you did in the situation that were wrong, and yet the other person is incapable of even acknowledging their part in the problem.

Unacknowledged hurt, hurts.  It really does.  And, I have found, the longer that it goes unacknowledged the more it hurts.   Whether you have been quietly waiting for the apology or out right demanded one is totally moot, because you are not going to get one either way.  Some people are totally incapable of admitting to their wrongdoing.

In my opinion, it boils down to one of three options:

1. Victim Mentality

The victim won’t admit to being wrong, because they are incapable of doing so.   They have a skewed perception of reality, and will even project guilt onto you that is actually rooted in someone who previously abused, mistreated, or took advantage of them.  You end up paying the price because of harm that someone else had done long before this situation.  The more people who mistreated them, the more victimized they become.  The more victimized they become, the more they will see everyone out in the world is out to get them.  They are unable to see anyone through an objective lens, unwilling to give the benefit of the doubt  or accept that they may have hurt you. 

2.  Martyr Complex

Martyr’s are a bit different than victims because they WANT to be a victim, or at least appear like one.  It’s not that they are incapable of knowing that they hurt you, they just don’t want to bear the responsibility of owning it.  So, they PLAY the victim in order to garner sympathy from others outside of the situation.  They also want you to feel bad, like it is your fault, and bear not only the brunt of the blame … but to do all the work to repair things with them.  Which usually means that you will go above and beyond to try and make things right.  The martyr knows that they were wrong, in whole or part, but you will never hear an admission or acknowledgment from them.

3.  Haughty or Prideful Heart

The prideful person actually believes that they are totally innocent of any wrong doing, but not like a victim.  On the contrary, the prideful person is always right and everyone else is always wrong.  This has nothing to do with past experiences or victimization, but instead is a heart issue.  If you are hurt, that is YOUR issue… they did nothing wrong.  You are either too sensitive, have no right to be hurt, were the one who was wrong, etc.  And, the thing is, they totally believe this.  It’s different than the person who knows they are at fault (or at least partially at fault) and tries to pass the blame.  The prideful person truly believes they are totally innocent of any wrong doing what so ever.

The victim will usually make you feel horrible for hurting their feelings, so that you will bend more toward their sensitivities.  The martyr wants everyone else to see how they suffered and how terrible you treated them.  The haughty person would rather walk way from you in their “rightness” than admit to being wrong and try to do the right thing.  But, what is really interesting to me is that there are some people who are mixture of all three.  I didn’t realize it until I wrote this piece, so I suppose there is a fourth category.

There are those who are so certain they are right, that they will put all the blame on you. (Pride)

They will also make sure you feel absolutely terrible about hurting them, even if you are the one who was hurt.  (Victim)

And, they will make sure the whole world knows what you did to them and how you treated them so poorly.  (Martyr)

So what do you do, when you have been hurt…

… and the other person in never going to acknowledge that hurt?

1.  Pray for clarity over the situation.  Is this a relationship that is otherwise healthy and this is just a particular situation, or is this a toxic relationship and this behavior is repetitive?  Is it time to let this relationship go, or is there restoration possible now or in the future?
2.  Pray for forgiveness.  Pray for God to forgive you in the areas you failed in the relationship, and then ask God to help you forgive the other person.  Forgiving the other person will be freeing for you, as you will no longer be captive to their dysfunction or the situation any longer.
3. Pray for discernment.  We usually can not just entirely remove a person from our life.   It may be a family member, a coworker, someone we attend church with, or part of a circle of friends.  Pray that God will help you determine what kind of boundaries you can put in place to protect yourself.  This may mean removing yourself from that person entirely, but it may be a few key decisions that help keep the person at a safe distance.
4. Pray for healing.  You can cry out to God about your hurt and pain, and ask for Him to heal you.  His healing is not dependent on their acknowledgement of wrong.  His healing can help you move on, more forward, despite their inability to be accountable and reconcile the relationship.

Regardless of their ability to acknowledge the hurt they caused has no bearing on your right to call it what it is.  You can be frank with them, making sure they understand in no uncertain terms that they have hurt you (and perhaps even identifying the level of hurt).  You can choose to draw a line in the sand that can not be crossed until they are willing to acknowledge the hurt they caused.  It’s totally appropriate to do so in a manner that is straightforward without being catty, disrespectful, or mean. 

You can acknowledge the hurt.

God will acknowledge your hurt.

Together, God will help you move beyond it to greater things.

Stop thinking and caring so much about a person, who was able to not only hurt you so deeply… but who didn’t care enough to try and make it right.