#Write31Days – Post 8 – Unacknowledged Hurt

Have you ever had someone hurt your feelings, and no matter how you try to address it with the person… they just won’t own it.    They may try to blame you for the issue, or even shift blame by giving you the “if you didn’t ___, then I wouldn’t have ___” excuse.  You may have even apologized for the things you did in the situation that were wrong, and yet the other person is incapable of even acknowledging their part in the problem.

Unacknowledged hurt, hurts.  It really does.  And, I have found, the longer that it goes unacknowledged the more it hurts.   Whether you have been quietly waiting for the apology or out right demanded one is totally moot, because you are not going to get one either way.  Some people are totally incapable of admitting to their wrongdoing.

In my opinion, it boils down to one of three options:

1. Victim Mentality

The victim won’t admit to being wrong, because they are incapable of doing so.   They have a skewed perception of reality, and will even project guilt onto you that is actually rooted in someone who previously abused, mistreated, or took advantage of them.  You end up paying the price because of harm that someone else had done long before this situation.  The more people who mistreated them, the more victimized they become.  The more victimized they become, the more they will see everyone out in the world is out to get them.  They are unable to see anyone through an objective lens, unwilling to give the benefit of the doubt  or accept that they may have hurt you. 

2.  Martyr Complex

Martyr’s are a bit different than victims because they WANT to be a victim, or at least appear like one.  It’s not that they are incapable of knowing that they hurt you, they just don’t want to bear the responsibility of owning it.  So, they PLAY the victim in order to garner sympathy from others outside of the situation.  They also want you to feel bad, like it is your fault, and bear not only the brunt of the blame … but to do all the work to repair things with them.  Which usually means that you will go above and beyond to try and make things right.  The martyr knows that they were wrong, in whole or part, but you will never hear an admission or acknowledgment from them.

3.  Haughty or Prideful Heart

The prideful person actually believes that they are totally innocent of any wrong doing, but not like a victim.  On the contrary, the prideful person is always right and everyone else is always wrong.  This has nothing to do with past experiences or victimization, but instead is a heart issue.  If you are hurt, that is YOUR issue… they did nothing wrong.  You are either too sensitive, have no right to be hurt, were the one who was wrong, etc.  And, the thing is, they totally believe this.  It’s different than the person who knows they are at fault (or at least partially at fault) and tries to pass the blame.  The prideful person truly believes they are totally innocent of any wrong doing what so ever.

The victim will usually make you feel horrible for hurting their feelings, so that you will bend more toward their sensitivities.  The martyr wants everyone else to see how they suffered and how terrible you treated them.  The haughty person would rather walk way from you in their “rightness” than admit to being wrong and try to do the right thing.  But, what is really interesting to me is that there are some people who are mixture of all three.  I didn’t realize it until I wrote this piece, so I suppose there is a fourth category.

There are those who are so certain they are right, that they will put all the blame on you. (Pride)

They will also make sure you feel absolutely terrible about hurting them, even if you are the one who was hurt.  (Victim)

And, they will make sure the whole world knows what you did to them and how you treated them so poorly.  (Martyr)

So what do you do, when you have been hurt…

… and the other person in never going to acknowledge that hurt?

1.  Pray for clarity over the situation.  Is this a relationship that is otherwise healthy and this is just a particular situation, or is this a toxic relationship and this behavior is repetitive?  Is it time to let this relationship go, or is there restoration possible now or in the future?
2.  Pray for forgiveness.  Pray for God to forgive you in the areas you failed in the relationship, and then ask God to help you forgive the other person.  Forgiving the other person will be freeing for you, as you will no longer be captive to their dysfunction or the situation any longer.
3. Pray for discernment.  We usually can not just entirely remove a person from our life.   It may be a family member, a coworker, someone we attend church with, or part of a circle of friends.  Pray that God will help you determine what kind of boundaries you can put in place to protect yourself.  This may mean removing yourself from that person entirely, but it may be a few key decisions that help keep the person at a safe distance.
4. Pray for healing.  You can cry out to God about your hurt and pain, and ask for Him to heal you.  His healing is not dependent on their acknowledgement of wrong.  His healing can help you move on, more forward, despite their inability to be accountable and reconcile the relationship.

Regardless of their ability to acknowledge the hurt they caused has no bearing on your right to call it what it is.  You can be frank with them, making sure they understand in no uncertain terms that they have hurt you (and perhaps even identifying the level of hurt).  You can choose to draw a line in the sand that can not be crossed until they are willing to acknowledge the hurt they caused.  It’s totally appropriate to do so in a manner that is straightforward without being catty, disrespectful, or mean. 

You can acknowledge the hurt.

God will acknowledge your hurt.

Together, God will help you move beyond it to greater things.

Stop thinking and caring so much about a person, who was able to not only hurt you so deeply… but who didn’t care enough to try and make it right.

 

 

 

SO RIGHT, I CAN’T BE WRONG

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you just KNOW you are right.  Perhaps you have talked it over with a friend (or several), or even talked to yourself about it.  Maybe you sought wise counsel from your husband or even hunted through the Word to justify your side of things.  You have presented yourself as right, you have dug your heels down in the ground, and convinced yourself that the other person was in the wrong.

You have done such a good job in convincing everyone, including yourself, that you were so right…. and then it happened.

You found out you were, in fact, wrong.

Now what do you do?

You are probably feeling a bit shocked and overwhelmed, and uncertain of how to handle the next step.  Pride would want us to ignore it and sweep it under the carpet.  “What’s done, is done”, Pride whispers in your ear.  You could convince yourself that this is now a learning experience, and move forward vowing to never allow that to happen again.  After all, you learned your lesson.

But, is that enough?

What about that person you wronged?  The person you slandered.  The person you gossiped about.  The person you hurt.  The person who deserves to hear an apology.

Admitting we are wrong is tough.

Growing up my Grandmother was not one to apologize.  If she was wrong, she had reason to be wrong.  I remember, as a child, I was known to grab my grandmother’s sewing scissors for art projects.  I loved those scissors.  They were strong and sharp.   In fact, one of the first things I bought when I learned to sew was a pair of scissors just like hers.  One day, my grandmother was looking for her scissors and couldn’t find them.  She accused me of taking them, but I was diligent in my defense that I hadn’t.  I explained that I hadn’t even been in the closet, I didn’t bring any crafts with me that day, and I had no use for them.  She didn’t believe me.  Convinced I took them and was careless with them, I was grounded to the couch.  I would have to stay there until I was willing to admit that I took them, remembered where they were, and apologized.  Despite my tear stained cheeks, she was adamant she was right.  I was confined to the couch to “think about what I did”.

Several hours would pass, when my sister would arrive home (she lived with my grandmother).  As she came in the house, she handed my grandmother the scissors and apologized for not putting them back when she was done with them.  Of course, being a young child, I chimed in “I told you I didn’t take them.”.  My grandmother turned, looked me in the eye and said “If you hadn’t taken them in the past, I would have not had a reason to blame you.  You can get up from the couch.”.

No apology.  No admission of wrong.  Instead I was still to blame for simply giving her reason to suspect me.

This is probably where my desire for justice comes from.  I want the truth to be known, I want blame to fall where it should, I hate when someone is falsely accused or set up to take the fall, I want fairness, I want the same honesty from others as I am willing to give.  In those moments when justice is not being delivered, it takes me back to my childhood… sitting on that couch.

When we allow pride to take over our heart and mind, and convince ourselves that we are in the right… it can be nearly impossible to admit when we are wrong.   We brush it under the carpet, hoping that everyone will forget.  We try to fix it through buying back the relationship through gifts or doing good deeds.  Or, we walk away leaving it unsettled; letting the broken relation stay broken vs. swallow our pride to fix it.

It’s hard to apologize, because first it requires our full recognition that we did something wrong.  Pride will hinder us from true reconciliation.

Scripture tells us that if we have any argument with our brother, we are to leave our offering at the altar, find them and reconcile with them FIRST.  (Matthew 5:24)   How many times have you walked into church, put your tithing check in the offering basket and worshiped God… when your heart was still hard toward your brother or sister in Christ?

Scripture is not merely suggesting this is a good idea or wise decision.  No, in fact, God is telling us to do it before we can commune with him.  In other words, this issue has become sin & it stands between us and God.

Examine your relationships… is there hurt, unforgiveness, or unfinished business?  It’s time to do what God has commanded of us, to be a united body.  It begins with forgiveness.

Pray about it, first.  Ask God to reveal the areas in which you have sinned against your brother or sister.  Ask for God to strip away the anger and pride.  Ask Him to give you the strength you need to approach that person, and that they will have a softened heart & willingness to hear you.  Pray for reconciliation.

Then take the first step.  A simple email or text of “I’m sorry” can be just the kindling needed to get that fire started.  You may find that simple statement alone is sufficient, or that they have already forgiven you… and have been waiting for you to forgive yourself & be ready to heal the relationship.

Colossians 3:13   

Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

 

I STAND CORRECTED…………… (Part 2/2)

I am going to be honest, I do not take well to criticism.  I am an eager learner, I don’t mind being corrected when I am wrong.  I value the opinions of others.  I am a move forward, not back kind of girl. But, there are times when I can allow criticism to get under my skin.  But, there is a difference between criticism and correction.Recently my husband informed me that I “don’t finish projects”.  For those reading this, who know me personally, you are probably wondering if this man knows me at all!  My husband was not correcting me or guiding me, he was being critical.  I didn’t take kindly to it and I proceeded to remind him that he was the one who initiated our journey into Dave Ramsey living.  If he would like me to finish our household projects, I’d be happy to… the moment he handed me a credit card or expanded my personal budget.  (I was being very sarcastic, I really wouldn’t do that.)   I wanted him to understand I was doing the best with what I was given, and he needed to be patient through our “cash only process”.

As I was reflecting on the confrontation I had with my friend (see last month’s devotion), I asked myself if I was being critical of her.  Or, was my assessment of the situation accurate & correction was the right course.  That is, after all, what correction is.  We are helping someone who has taken a turn get back on course.  In some cases it is an obvious sharp turn, and in others it has been a slow, gradual, drift.  When I struggle with anything like this, I always turn to the Word.  If I can figure out what God has to say about it, perhaps figuring out my next steps won’t be so hard. I also reached out to those I consider wise counsel.

As a result, I came to find that scripture not only tells us that we should correct our sisters in Christ, but we are also told how we should be responding to correction.  In reading this, it not only confirmed for me that my friend was responding incorrectly, but also made me take at look at my own responses to correction (and criticism
too).

Proverbs 19:20     Take good counsel and accept correction— that’s the way to live wisely and well.

How do you respond when someone corrects you?  Do you get defensive?  Do you make excuses?  Do you try and pass the buck & blame someone else?  Or, do you try to justify your behavior in order to make it ok?  When you read last weeks devotion, did you relate to it?  Have you responded in the same way my friend did?  Do you take it personally when a friend tries to encourage you to have a different perspective?  Are you teachable?

This bit of advice was shared with me, just this past week:
“When someone gives you advice that you don’t want to hear, you should not react until you have:
1) prayed about it
2) compared the advice to Scripture
3) asked yourself, is it true?”

Being accountable to each other as friends is a two way street.  We must be willing to not only give correction, but also receive it.  If I speak in truth and love, then I should receive with love and humbleness.  I need to embrace this person, who cared about me enough to call me out on my behavior, and help me realize what I was doing & become better for it.

Proverbs 27:17    As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Lord, I pray that you give me a mouth that speaks, when it is time to speak; and ears to listen, when it is time to listen.  Help me to speak in YOUR truths, through MY love for my sisters in Christ.  Let me received YOUR truth, through THEIR love for me.  Protect our friendship from division, so that we may continue to encourage each other to be focused on YOU. Amen.