The Christian Word for Anger

Anger is funny, funny thing.  It masks itself in many ways.  Some are more obvious (like withdrawal, sarcasm, and the like).  Others are a bit more subtle, which was revealed to me just after my Personal Retreat and during the course of The Gospel Coalition conference.

If you recall in my last piece, my twenty four hour Personal Retreat revealed that I was holding onto some anger that I didn’t realize was there.  People I needed to forgive was a priority on my list.  But the Lord wasn’t done revealing to me the ways in which anger had penetrated my life.

During the conference, I had an opportunity to sign up for bonus events being held alongside the conference.  One of which was an event put together by Serge.org, which not only had a two morning breakfast with speakers from their mentoring and leadership team but offered a one hour mentor session.  I jumped at the opportunity to speak with a veteran in the ministry field for advice/direction/suggestions for the ministry work I was involved in.

In my session with Hunter Dockery, I laid out exactly what my ministry work was about and where I saw it going.  Then I shared some obstacles I was facing in that process.  I thought that this was the place Hunter would be able to help me.  I wasn’t prepared for the fact that Hunter was less interested in the work, and more interested in me.  How was I personally being affected, how was my marriage, etc.  This was personal, and exactly what I needed to explore… I just didn’t know it.

I’m going to spend my time on this piece speaking to just one of the questions I was asked, but I’ll probably talk more about this in future blogs.

As I shared about some of my obstacles, and how I felt as if I was failing those I was serving… Hunter basically asked me how I felt about those who were impeding the work.  I said that I was frustrated, and that is when he laid it out there…

Frustrated is the Christian word for angry.

Well, crap.  If frustrated is the Christian word for angry, I may be angrier about more things than I realized.  Between my personal retreat and this moment, I was seeing things with more clarity.  I imagine it like a large room that is completely dark, without any single light source but multiple lamps scattered through the room.  The Lord was taking me one step at a time, turning on one lamp at a time.  Illuminating the room a little bit more versus flooding me with more light than my eyes could handle in one flip of a switch.

I was being put into a position where I would have to face and own these feelings, in order to correct them.  And the only one way that was going to happen, was to keep turning on more lights.

I’m thankful for my time with Hunter, not just because he helped me to see this underlying emotion but instead the greater gift came with the next question.

“When you imagine the Lord speaking directly to you, what does He say?”

I imagined a God who was frustrated with me.  Those were not my exact words to Hunter, but something that I understood later.

Well, if frustrated is the Christian word for angry… then I realized that I imagined that God was angry with me.  Let down.  Disappointed.   It was in a flash of clarity that I realized that while I believed God’s promises for others, truly and deeply… there was a part of me that saw myself still broken.  That my daily mistakes and failures were evidence that I still wasn’t living up to the par.

Hunter said words that will stick with me forever.

“You need to preach the Gospel to yourself, every morning.”

I’ve since thought about that, and made a choice that I need to shut down and replace the words that roll through my head.

Chart based on a presentation by Lysa TerKeurst on Proverbs 31 Ministries First 5 App.

  I had listened to too many lines, believe the lies, labeled myself based on what others have said or done, and it became a liability that was holding me back from living in the freedom gifted by Jesus Christ.  The Gospel wasn’t just something to share with unbelievers but something that we believers need to be reminded of constantly.  The world tries to overwhelm our senses to the point we forget the promises that God has made to us.

This is an issue that I am still working through, with the Lord’s help.  Lamps are still being turned on.  However, I find myself already more at peace as I preach the Good News to myself, every morning.

And a few times throughout the day, as needed.

Because God so loved the world (and Gena) that He sent His only Son, and whoever (this means Gena too) believes in Him will have ever lasting life.

Jesus paid the wages of (Gena’s) sin.   You (and I) are new creations in Christ, washed clean by the blood of the lamb.  Sons and Daughters (including me) that were adopted into His family, where nothing can separate (even me) from Him.

Personal Retreat, Part 3

A bit ago, I wrote two pieces about Letitia Suk’s book Getaways with God.  In simple terms, the book is about planning a personal retreat with God.  Letitia Suk has done this for many years, and uses the book to identify the reason why we should make an intentional effort to breakaway for private time with God.  Additionally, she blesses the readers with suggested retreat schedules and purposes that can be tailored to our individual needs.

The timing of reading Getaways with God was perfect, as I had already planned a trip where I would be arriving extra early.  I decided it was the perfect time to try out a personal retreat.  I have to admit the first couple of hours was awkward.   Being in a home that is bustling with energy from barking dogs, squealing kids, meals that need to be made, emails to send, calls to field, etc.; I rarely find myself in a space that is simply empty.  Void of distractions.  I was tempted to touch my phone, and reach out to someone.  I knew that in this room states away from home… no one would be dropping by for coffee.

I got settled in my space, wandered around for a bit almost lost in the silence and stillness.  I decided to grab a bite to eat before it got dark, bringing it back to my flat as to not lose a second.  I set the tone by playing worship songs, and I was very intentional.  Today was not the time to learn a new song, but to lean into my favorites.  I wanted songs where the words flowed freely from my lips and I wasn’t tripping up over lyrics.  What seemed so difficult at first became so much easier, to the point that by the time my personal retreat was officially over… I longed for it to continue.

For the retreat, I selected Psalm 5:3 as the foundation for my time.

“Every day I lay out my life on your altar and watch for fire to descend.” 

This scripture meant a few things to me, in this space:

•  Every day, I want my life to be an offering to God, for His glory and His purposes.
•  Every day, I want to be willing to sacrifice my fleshy desires for He that sacrificed His son for me.
• Every day, I want His burning fire to consume my sin, burning away the impurities and leaving only what is pure, noble, and good.
• Every day, I want to watch for the pillar of fire that walks before me, guiding me and protecting me.

The scriptures tell us that before we can lay our offerings on the altar, we must be reconciled to those who have issues with us (Matt 5:23,24).  I needed to know if there was any offense that I had not apologized for.  But, I also knew there were some people that I needed to forgive with the same grace and mercy that the Lord has forgiven me. (Col. 3:13).  It was clear to me that before I could lay out my life on His altar, I had some things I needed to attend to.  The purpose of this retreat would revolve around forgiveness.

Forgiveness, what a beautiful place to begin.

After listening to the songs, my heart softened, I prayed that the Lord would show me an iniquity in my heart and give me His eyes towards those who are apart of my life.  I was shocked by what I learned about my life and my self.   I grabbed my journal and begin writing the names of people I needed to forgive, and what I needed to forgive them for.  I was surprised by the names on the list when I was done.

I learned that there were people I verbally forgave, but my heart was still hard.

I learned that there was someone I didn’t even realize I was angry with.

I learned from the issues I needed to forgive, that there were some patterns repeating in our family.   I’ve heard them referred to as “Generational Curses”, but I didn’t think they applied to my family.  But here they were, repeated patterns going back several generations.  I realized in this moment how much history shapes present, and how much I needed God to break these strongholds.

It all came to the head of love.  The moment when you realize how much you need God’s love, to fill the voids of absent love.  How much you desire God’s approval to fill the void of absent approval.  How much you want God’s validation to fill the void of absent validation.

I didn’t realize how much I needed to be reminded FOR MYSELF… that I am…

an image bearer.   (Gen 1:27)

cherished.  (Isa 49:15)

seen as wonderful, and have a purpose.  (Jer 29:11)

loved, with a love that is everlasting.  (Jer 31:3)

loved, sacrificially.   (Rom 5:8)

redeemed by a high price.  (1 Pet, 1:18,19)

a new creation, in Him.  (2 Cor 5:17)

a child of God, himself.  Adopted, chosen.  (1 John 3:1)

and called to do His will on Earth, a high calling, a commissioned call.  (2 Cor 5:20)

I needed to love myself, as much as the Lord loves me.  In loving me, He has forgiven great sins in my life.  How can I not do the same for others, to love as I have been loved?  To forgive as I have been forgiven?

I realized that I have been living wounded.  The day I gave my life to the Lord, my wounds tried to heal.  However, I realized I had allowed myself to essentially pick at the healing scabs… keeping the wounds open and fresh.  Living in hurt, instead of living in the freedom of the Cross.

I had allowed myself to live in the lies others had told me, that I had even told myself.  Believing the world and fickle people over the promises of God.  These are the bonds I need to break.

Remember how I said a few paragraphs back that I didn’t want my retreat to end.  Well, in many ways it didn’t.  Through various means the Lord continued to reveal things to me during the several day long conference.  I’ll write more about those things later.

Conference Time!

It’s almost time for my annual conference trip to The Gospel Coalition Conference.  I gain so much from these conferences, it is one of the biggest “pour in” moments of my year.  Every bit of leadership juice I pour out throughout the year is replenished here.

I learn a lot from not only the conference main sessions, but also the workshops that I attend.  I even learn a TON from the exhibition hall, connecting to resources and ministries that I can share through my work in the Women’s Ministry Council.

The first thing I do in order to prep for the conference is the purchase a new journal and colorful pens.  (Yes, I still hand write my notes… and science says it’s the best way to remember what you learn.)  I love using the colorful pens to help me quickly differentiate between sessions and workshops.

I am also excited because this year I added extra time on my trip, and I’m going to have a 24 hour personal retreat.  I have decided, finally, that my retreat is going to be one of personal reflection with God.  Laying down the burdens on my heart, forgiving, surrendering to His will for my life, seeking direction and clarity, and really just letting the Holy Spirit speak into my life.  I want to purge so that my spirit is fresh for the conference and the truths the Lord will speak into my life.

So, this is my last blog post until after the conference.  When I get back, I’ll let you know how the retreat went.  Then I’ll start my post conference posts sharing what I’ve learned.

Getaway with God Part 2 of 3

It’s been really exciting planning my first Getaway with God, the idea of a personal retreat sounds just like the thing I need right now.  Sometimes we just need a moment to get our head on straight, focus back to where it should be, and I can’t wait.

I must admit some of the planning aspect has been easy since I am tacking this on to an existing trip.  So answering the when and where questions were a bit of a no brainer.  In fact, I think if I had to plan it from scratch verses adding it to an existing trip… it may have been harder.  My focus in planning, now, has been the details.

Am I going to lock myself in my space for the day and just really concentrate on God?  Do I want to venture out to enjoy His creation?  And where will I do that when I am staying in a major city?  I do have access to a small kitchen, so I could stop by a store and load up on snacks and meals to munch on, or I could go for a quick bite or order in.  So many options!

Since my retreat isn’t off in a quiet location, I had to veer off from the book a little bit.  I need to get my hands on a map of the area, locating a local park perhaps.  I know there is a zoo in fairly close proximity, and that could be interesting.  I can’t think of a time I have ever gone to a zoo completely on my own.  But what an opportunity to see such variety in God’s created animals.   I can also use the map to find places to eat that are near by and figure out what will work in my budget.  I’ve decided that being my first personal retreat, I won’t be fasting (at least from food).

In the book there is a sample schedule for the 24 Hour Retreat, and I think that will really helpful to follow for my first retreat.  It also helped me to figure out what I would need to pack.

My largest hurdle is determining what type of retreat this will be, especially knowing that following the retreat is going to be a fast paced conference weekend.  On the one hand, I think a Restorative Retreat would be a beautiful way to prepare myself for the conference.  I would be able to rest up, prep my heart for what God would reveal to it during the conference, and set my mind into the right mode to learn.

A Listening Retreat could be a great way to put a cap on some things that have been weighing me down before the Lord reveals new things to me at the conference.  I have some lingering questions regarding certain situations that I would love to address.  Perhaps getting away and being alone with God is exactly what I need to find that peace.

I also have the ministry that I work with, and having a solid 24 hours to dedicate to Goal Setting would be wonderful.  My only caveat with this option is that I’m not sure I can do too much goal setting without the rest of my team there.  So perhaps this is a different retreat for another day.

What does this all mean?   It means my biggest priority right now is to be in prayer and covet the prayers of those closest to me about WHY I am going on this retreat and what God would have me do with this time.

Getaway with God, Part 1 of 3

Sometime ago, I messaged my Pastor’s wife questioning if she had ever planned a personal/private retreat.  She had not, but encouraged me that it would be worthwhile.  After all, spending intentional time alone with God can’t be anything short of a blessing.  I still didn’t know how to go about it though.  I asked around a bit more, no luck.

What do you do on a personal retreat?  In my head I envisioned myself sitting in a cozy chair with my Bible, reading.  Then I thought about purchasing a Bible Study with video set and doing the whole thing over the course of a weekend.  Perhaps I would journal until I couldn’t journal another word, or use it as a working retreat to write a book.  Maybe I would fast the whole weekend.  Then of course the logistical questions came rolling in …

When and where?   How will I pay for it?  Can we spare the time away, when I already have a few travel events this year.

As I cracked open the book, Getaway with God (by Letitia Suk), I learned a few things.

1.  I’m not the only one who felt called to go on a personal retreat.
2.  I’m not the only one who asked these same questions about planning one.
3.  Letitia Suk has been doing this since 1977.

Now, I have in my hands the wisdom of someone who has figured this concept out.  She’s answered the questions, from what to pack to what type of retreat you should have.  Additionally, she speaks to not only what this retreat can mean to you today (in this season) but also down the road.  There are suggestions for short retreats (one day) to longer ones, a few examples of when we can bring a friend along and still consider it a personal retreat.

I’m also a big fan of the portions where she shares what other women have said about their own personal retreats. More women are doing this than we realize.

It just so happens that the Lord has made a way for me to plan a short personal retreat, before I even put my hands on this book.  In a few months, I have a conference to go to.  It’s going to be a very busy few days.  The conference starts early in the morning, and my friend and I planned to arrive the day before to get settled into our hotel.  As I was preparing to buy my airline ticket, I was a little sticker shocked.  Out of sheer curiosity, I looked at what the price would be to fly in an extra day early.  Amazingly not only was the flight less expensive, but I would also be able to stay at a quaint little Bed and Breakfast and still save some money.

So, I booked the ticket.  I’m flying in a day earlier.  I’ve got a Bed and Breakfast booked.

I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with all this free time.  Now that I’ve read the book, “Getaway with God”… I know EXACTLY what I am going to do with my extra day! I’m planning a personal retreat.    Over the next few weeks, I’ll post Part 2 which I will talk a bit about my planning process.  Then, I’ll post Part 3 after my personal retreat and fill you all in how it went!