Sometimes, I make the Enemy’s job too easy.

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I am a planner.  I will create an agenda for my day, week, or month.  Whether I write it down on paper, schedule it on my phone, or make mental notes… it is very, very rare that I don’t have a plan.  My husband would probably disagree with me on that.  Because, I also have an issue with my planning.  When my planning goes awry, I throw in the towel.

Usually my plans are built upon each other, I must accomplish task 1 in order to move onto task 2.  If task 1 can’t be completed then tasks 2-? are unaccomplished.  I’ve tried altering my planning methodology, but it never seems like I can find the right fit.  This isn’t just about planning out my day either.  It can refer to my financial budget planning, my school schedule planning, blog writing, volunteering, errand days, and traveling.

When my life is going according to plan, I am very happy.  When my life is not going according to plan, I am very unhappy.  There is no middle ground for me, it is a pendulum that I swing on.   I am either completely knocking my agenda out of the ballpark… or I have thrown in the towel and will start fresh another day.  This is NOT something I enjoy or that I am totally okay with.  Hardly.  Uncompleted tasks irritate me.  For example…

About one year ago, I purchased some gorgeous dark stained bamboo rods.  My goal was to use them to make new drapery rods for our living room.  However, I didn’t have the money yet to buy the hardware we would need to mount them.  So, for one year they sat in a closet. Totally in the way.   Finally, after doing some internet searches for a more economical way to mount them… EUREEKA… a solution was found.  I purchased the materials needed   My husband was on vacation and I asked him to mount the rods to the wall.

He was worried that he’d go through the process of mounting them, and they would just sit there.  No drapes.  Why?  Because I need custom drapes for them.  I am entirely capable of making the drapes, but he worried it wouldn’t get done.  His worries are not unfounded, since it took me 2 years to finally make the drapes for our bathroom despite having all the supplies on hand.  I hadn’t made the drapes yet because I knew it would be a process… I can be a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to DIY projects.  I hadn’t decided on how I wanted them to hang (pockets, tabs, ties) and so the project was on hold.

Ultimately he hung the rods, and it’s been about 3 weeks.  No drapes, even though I had assured him the only reason I hadn’t made the drapes was because the rods were not installed.  I needed accurate measurements before I could purchase the material.  I found the material I wanted, but it was a bit more expensive than I had anticipated.  Project put on hold.  I created a plan to save up the additional money.  Then spring pictures, two field trips, some unexpected expenses came about.  My budget was now completely thwarted by life events outside of my control.  I know my husband is probably thinking “I told you so”and I will beat myself up for not getting it done yet.  I’m irritated each time I look at those barren rods.

My husband would probably argue that I plan too liberally, not accounting for unexpected expenses and that I need to budget more conservatively.  I would argue that isn’t the case at all, but rather this is the very area the enemy knows he gets to me.  It is my trigger point, the thing that gets me the most frustrated, where I will scramble and give up my time with God to make up for lost time, hold by my tithe because I need to make up the shortage of funds… and where I will beat myself up the most.  I don’t like to fail.  When my planning doesn’t work out, I feel like a failure.

Many years ago, I was talking to a neighbor about a particular situation that had me frustrated.  I stated that I was a “ducks in a row person”.  She replied:

“Gena, when your ducks are in a row they are easier to shoot.”

I’ve clung to that statement ever since, as that was the moment my eyes were opened to the fact that I have been making it too easy on the enemy to steal my joy, derail my obedience, and frankly to make me miserable and irritable.

It was another friend, who has a lot in common with me personality wise, who said:

“Gena, the world doesn’t think or work like us.”

I remind myself of that statement often because those are the things that lead to much of my frustration.  I believe in giving people plenty of notice, but the world doesn’t work like me.  I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, and assuming the best of people.  But, the world doesn’t work like that.  I think people should go the speed limit, not get in the 10 items or less line with 20 items, etc.

When I expect the world is going to work in the same space of reason and logic as I do, I’m going to be let down.  It’s just another way that I am making the enemy’s job too easy.  He knows that when he fouls up my planning by interrupting logic and reason, I get annoyed and sometimes angry.

Over the years, I have learned to be a lot more relaxed about things not going my way.  I still plan, but I am not beating myself up when I have to divert from those plans for a time.  I’ve worked hard to stand in obedience before worrying about tasks that are not getting done.  If I have a choice between only getting in 15min of bible study today or getting the dishes done before hubby gets home… the scriptures will win.

I’m not allowing myself to get annoyed by the interruption in my day because a child is sick in the nurses office and I need to pick her up.  Or, that I was just getting ready to mop the floors when the neighborhood kids show up to play.  I’ve learned that while procrastination is bad, flexibility is good.  I’m not allowing my triggers to get set off as much as they used to, and I hope that will continue to improve each day.

A few days ago, I got the itch to get new cushions for 2 Ikea chairs in our home, long over due replacements.  The nearest Ikea was two hours away and the cushions were $40 each.  My budget wasn’t that high.  Locally, I could find comparable cushions… but they were $60 or more each.  I was going to put that project on the back burner, until I came across two cushions that were perfect in color and only $8 each!  They were a little too short, but I had the idea that I could make head rests myself.  After buying the cushions, I ran across the street to Hobby Lobby and found the perfect fabric.  That night while watching tv with my husband, I knocked out the cutting and pinning.  Then, while he was taking a tv break, I sewed the fabric, stuffed it with the padding, and hand stitched the rest while we finished our show.    Before bed, the project was completed.

My husband made a comment about how I actually finished the project in the same day, with total exuberance. It was like he was seeing a brand new woman.  I smiled and pointed out that in order to do so, I put all my other plans for the day aside (the kitchen sink was pretty full).  I also pointed out that I had all the materials that I needed on hand, and I really just wanted to get it done.  Because he was sitting WITH me as I worked on the project, he realized how long “simple” DIY projects can really take.

What I realized is that even though my plans for that day were changed, by the blessing of finding those cushions, the world didn’t end.  My husband was more impressed that I completed the project than concerned about the dishes in the sink.  The enemy didn’t win that day, because I wasn’t beating myself up for what I didn’t get done.  I was satisfied but what I had gotten done.

Sometimes, I hold on so tight to my plans and ideas, that one of two things happen…

  1.  The enemy wins because the derailing will cause me to be frustrated, irritable, and angry.
  2.  I miss out on the blessing that could be found in the derailment.  How many times have I been giving Satan the credit for ruining my plans… when it was really God who had a better plan or blessing in store for me that day?

Sometimes, I make the Enemy’s job too easy.   Sometimes, I give him too much credit.

#Write31Days – Post 18 – Spiritual Strongholds

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Have you ever found yourself in a building, standing under a chandelier… and suddenly your mind is flooded with every movie you have ever seen in the past.  The chandelier falls, someone dies.  Over the course of your life, subconsciously you have made the decision to never stand under a chandelier.  So, you take a few steps the left and breathe a sigh of relief.

When you were a child, perhaps, you were splashing in the ocean.  Suddenly, a current sweeps your legs out from under you, pulling you out to sea.  A hand grabs you, pulling you to safety.  You were so traumatized by what could have happened, you no longer go into the ocean.  You don’t take your kids to the beach.  You make a conscious decision that the ocean is not safe and to be avoided.

Everyone has some sort of stronghold in their life.  These are beliefs or opinions that are strongly held and fortified in our minds to the point that reason and logic will be locked out.  These strongholds can be based in reality or in our perception of reality. They are often formed by our past experiences, the environment we were raised, and by the people whom we respect or were authorities in our lives.

I have seen plenty of movies where a chandelier falls, on accident or on purpose, and a person dies.  I have personally never known anyone this has happened to, nor have I read about it happening the paper.  Logic and reason stand that the chandelier in any given building isn’t going to just suddenly break loose and fall on me.  It really isn’t a logical fear.  However my perception of that truth can be swayed when I allow those imaginary scenarios to root themselves in fear and paranoia.

The scenario at the beach, that actually happened to me.  It is a reasonable fear, logic would stand that I would be afraid of the ocean.   This was a real life experience for me.  However, that reality also must root itself in fear in order for it to become a stronghold in my life.  I still love the beach, take my children there, and I am not afraid of the ocean.  I do, however, respect it.  I am not careless.    I have not allowed this real life circumstance to impact the logic that being swept out to sea is very rare and small percentage.

As Christians we not only are faced with strongholds in our lives, based on our past or perceptions, that affect our daily decisions.  We also have spiritual strongholds, that have embedded certain beliefs or “truths” into our minds.

For example, if you were raised in a denomination or area of the country where dancing was considered a sin, and you accepted that belief to be true.  You now have a spiritual stronghold, that is going to impact how you engage with the rest of the world.  But, the questions we must ask is:  Is it true?  Is dancing a sin?  What do the scriptures say?

In most instances of spiritual strongholds that come from our environment, how we were raised, or the influential people in our lives… if we truly want to let go of spiritual stronghold… we go to the Word.  When faced with generational or denominational “truths” it is really quite easy to open up the scriptures and do the research for ourselves.  We can see what the scriptures say about any number of subjects, and find truth.  We can study the history of the scriptures, to understand the who, what, where, when, and why of a piece of scripture and then apply that to our own beliefs and perceptions.

We may be right.  We may be wrong.  And, in the grand scheme of things, it may not matter.  Personal convictions are no less important than scriptural mandates, they are just individual verses general.

The most difficult spiritual strongholds are the ones we are self imposing on ourselves based on our past experiences and decisions.  They arise when we live in guilt, shame, and failure.   We become so engrossed with who we once were, that we disregard any of our potential to be better person or live a better life.  We feel unworthy of God’s love, which keeps us from having a true relationship with Him.  This, of course, also means that our faith and spiritual growth is going to be stunted.

And, the enemy loves to use our spiritual strongholds against us.  He knows how to spin our past in a way that makes our sin look greater, more disgusting, and deeply shameful.   Satan puffs up our sin to look so horrible that we feel it would be impossible for God to find us worthy of anything.  We allow this to discount us and discredit us from God’s love, and Kingdom work.  People tend to respond in one of three ways.

  •  They do nothing.  They attend church, read their bibles, pray.  But, they never do anything more than that.  They disqualify themselves from being able to lead a bible study group, give their testimony, or even volunteer for the simplest of things at their church.  They say “who am I, what do I have to give?”
  • They run away.  In this case, the person is so haunted by their past that they are actively running away from God in shame.  They may run to a different religion or no religion, but they are running.  They attempt to hide like Adam and Eve after biting the fruit, hiding from God in their shame.
  • They go extreme.  This person is the one who is not running from God but actually chasing after Him.  They think that God has turned his back on them, or at minimal is deeply disappointed in them.  What they attempt to do is to win back His favor, His affection, by going to the extreme as a believer.  For example, if they had a history of immodest dress and immoral behavior… they will be entirely the opposite now, to the extreme.  Her ultra mini skirts have been replaced by ankle length skirts.  Her long flowing locks may be tempered by a tight bun, her make up drawer has been emptied into the trash.  He may have traded a life of drinking and parties for weekend long, isolated, and silent meditation.

I am certain that at least some of you are looking at the last one and thinking: this is a bad thing?  Yes, and no.   If the reason you have made these changes is out of deep, personal conviction… then NO, this is not a bad thing.  You are to be obedient to the Holy Spirit’s conviction.  However, if you are making these choices to try and earn back God’s love and favor, then YES … it is a very bad thing.  Keep reading, because I will explain why.

For the better part of twenty years, I allowed a spiritual stronghold to stand in my way.  I was totally ashamed of myself and some of the decisions I had made.  I would pray to God for forgiveness, but I was unable to let go of these things.  I held onto them with a tight grip.  His Word tells us that when we ask for forgiveness are sins are washed clean.   Every time I prayed to God to forgive those sins that haunted me, I was putting them at the foot of the cross & walking away.  Yet, in a very short amount of time, I was running back to cross and snatching them back up.

I was saying to God, I believe you can forgive me for so many things… but not this.  This is too big, too dirty, and too shameful for you to forgive.  I’d begin trying to work them off.  If I read more of my Bible.  If I pray harder.  If I volunteer more.  If I alter my dress, my speech, my thoughts, my life, my everything… then I can make up for this shame.

I was sinning against God, every single time I took them back.

I was saying, God … you are not enough.

When we are sinning, we create a division between us and God.  So, no matter how many good, noble, and wonderful things I was doing… they meant absolutely nothing because I was in sin.  I was doing things for a God that I didn’t trust.  I was reading a Bible, but not believing in the promises within it’s pages.   I was praying to a God that I thought wasn’t capable enough.  I was volunteering for Kingdom work, while believing I wasn’t worthy of being in the Kingdom.

You can change your manner of dress, the way you speak, and your daily study habits. You can pray from dusk to dawn.  You can give every cent you earn, volunteer every waking hour, and take up every noble cause.   Man can look at you in wonder and awe, you can have a million gold stars on your chart.  Women can hold you in high regard, men can respect your dedication and loyalty.  However, you will never feel good enough.  You will still feel guilty.  You will keep doing more and more to win the affection of God, because your guilt tells you that you are not worthy of His sacrifice.

We must let go of these spiritual strongholds, and cling to God.  We must surrender WHOLLY…. EVERYTHING.  We leave nothing behind, we hide nothing, we don’t hold anything back from God.

I know that I am not worthy.  That is why God is gracious and merciful.

I know that I never will be worthy.  The Old Testament reveals this every time the Israelites would turn from God.  The New Testament reveals this as Paul shares that he struggles doing what he knows is right.  I see it in my own life, every time I mess up and have to confess to God.

It is in this knowledge that the beauty of God’s love unfolds.

I am not.  I never will be.  I deserve death.

I was given the gift of Life.

There is nothing I can do that will separate me from God’s love.  I can not run or hide from Him.  There is nothing I could ever do, in my flesh, that will repay God for his mercy, his blessings, or his Son’s sacrifice.  It is arrogant and prideful of me to look at God’s gift, Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, and say:  Sorry God, that isn’t enough to cover MY sin.

God asks so little of us.

Love God with all of your heart and understanding. – When I love Him, I trust Him.  I know His word, and His promises.  I believe Him.  I hold nothing back from Him.  I am washed clean by HIM and HIM alone… not anything of my own doing.

Love others as you love yourself. – I forgive as I wish to be forgiven.  I love as I wish to be loved.  I help others as I wish to be helped myself. 

I believe, the very first step in letting go of those crippling spiritual strongholds begins when we acknowledge it for what it really is.

Sin.

Confess this sin, ask God to forgive you for taking back what you have put (or keep putting) at the foot of the cross.  Pray for His Word to quiet the voice of the enemy who haunts you.  When you feel the urge to pick it back up, rebuke Satan’s hold on your life.  Then remember you are not who you once were, you are a new creation.  The past has faded, it is gone.  Today, you are a child of God, adopted into his family to start a new life… a far better life than you could ever imagine.

Let my stronghold be the Lord. (Psalm 18:2)

Gut Instinct = Discernment

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Going back, about four months ago, an interesting string of events happened.  Someone I hadn’t talked to, in quite some time, popped back on the radar.  It didn’t sit well with me, there was a lot of unresolved stuff in that relationship.  I didn’t think sweeping things under the carpet, or pretending like nothing happened was the right way to go.  But, in the end, I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt.  I dropped my guard, a bit.

A few weeks later, it was painfully obvious to me that there was an agenda for this sudden revival.   I really didn’t want to think that to be true.  I really wanted to give the benefit of the doubt.  I even tried to convince myself that this was the enemy, whispering lies in my ear, trying to stop reconciliation from happening.  Scripture tells us that God wants his people to restore and reconcile with their brothers and sisters in Christ.  I convinced myself this was the case, and I wasn’t going to let the enemy win.  I dropped my guard, a bit more.

Several more weeks would pass of little quips of conversation, but I could still feel a nagging at my soul … this was not genuine.  I decided to put that thought to bed, I could deal with a little bit of skepticism.  I wanted our families to be reunited, I continued to drop my guard, and ultimately her family walked through my front door.  Awkward at first, but as time passed, it got more relaxed.  It wasn’t “like it used to be”, but it was familiar.  The evening ended, everyone survived, and seemed like it went well.

After some time passed, the truth of that evening started to reveal itself.  The younger kids were in the back of the house playing, the older kids just hanging out and talking.  My daughter left the room to get a drink.  When she was supposed to be out of earshot, their kids started talking about my daughter behind her back.  In her own room, in our own home… I was broken-hearted.  I had put my own feelings and skepticism aside, so they could rekindle their friendship.  I invited this pain into my daughter’s life.

To her face, her friend was beaming about how she wanted to go to college here in Florida & basking in some crazy notion about moving into our house for this time period…. plotting and planning out how the bedroom could be redecorated to fit them both.  But, the very moment my daughter left the room, the act was dropped… and the criticism began.  At that point, I flashed back to my original thoughts (which I had been trying so hard to dismiss).  We were being used.

And, the more I thought about it, and sorted through the catalog of the past… I realized how often that happened.  Now, I want to point out, that doesn’t mean there were not moments of reciprocity where we helped one another out.  I’m not trying to paint a picture of a person who is solely interested in using people until they have nothing left.  I don’t think that is the case.  I’m not even entirely sure I’d call my suspicions INTENTIONAL.

But, as I looked over some past instances, a pattern had been developing.  Not just between myself and my friend, but between our daughters.  Even more so, with them.

Sleepovers bad become less about them being together, and more about her getting freedoms she wouldn’t normally be allowed at home.  In fact, there was a sleepover planned & my daughter cancelled it when she found out there were ulterior motives behind it.  What was being sold to me as a “window shopping trip to the mall”, was actually a well thought out plan for her friend to meet up with some guy she met via a phone chat app.  When my daughter found out the real reason she wanted to go to the mall, thankfully, she knew better & cancelled the plans.  I was grateful my daughter had the wits about her, and didn’t enable her friends scheme.

Our “gut instincts” about something, are not usually wrong.

We know when we are in the wrong place, or about to do the wrong thing.

We get a vibe about a person that says:  this person is not safe, is not trustworthy.

Our spirit isn’t settled, we don’t have peace… and we can’t ignore that.

God gives us the gift of discernment to protect ourselves.  I should have known from the beginning this was discernment from God.  I should have listened to that unsettled spirit, and kept the boundaries up.  I could have protected my daughter’s heart from being wounded by someone who has been so important in her life, for so long.  I was trying to talk myself out of doubt, when good reason was sitting right in front of me.

When my friend wasn’t willing to reconcile, which is what God calls us to, I should have known.  Reconciliation and restoration doesn’t come from just “moving on”.  It comes when we are willing to face each other, honestly, and admit to where we messed up.  When we take accountability for our actions.  When we seek forgiveness and offer forgiveness.  It comes in that moment, when we look at another person and say “our relationship is too important for this to go on like this”.  It comes when we own that we are sinning before God by holding anger and resentment in our hearts towards someone in our family of believers.  Sure, it may have boundaries; reconciliation may take time and healing… but it starts out of a spirit of LOVE for the other person & GRIEF over the death of the relationship.

I have repeatedly told my children that truth always reveals itself.  It can’t stay hidden.  Sometimes, it just takes longer for it to show itself.  The sad thing, for me, is that is seems the longer it takes for the truth to reveal itself… the more it hurts.  Especially, when you invited the pain back in.  You opened the door, and let it walk right inside.  And, in doing so, not only exposed your heart to it… but you exposed your family to it as well.

Had I heeded those initial warnings, I could have saved my daughter from learning the truth about her “friend”.  They would have moved, and her memories of that friendship would be GOOD.  Now, it’s broken.

God gives us discernment, but we have to have wisdom to recognize it and understand it.  We also have to be courageous enough to act upon that wisdom.  In my personal situation, I never prayed over it.  I never went to God, seeking His guidance.  I never went to my mentor, to seek godly counsel.  I allowed my fleshly desires (for myself, or family) to let me think I could figure this out on my own.

If you find yourself in a space, like me, where you are wondering if this is discernment or just the enemy attempting to undermine…. PRAY!  SEEK GOD, SEEK COUNSEL.