I had a burden on my heart. Thoughts were weighing me down. Old words were revisited with new wounds. Confusion and disappointment were the best descriptors of how I felt. I didn’t understand this moment. I didn’t understand why God brought me back to this same place. I didn’t understand why those whom I thought shared the same vision of me suddenly did an about face. Fortunately, I had a good friend who was listening to me speak and asking me questions.
Finally, after about two weeks of nearly daily chats, she called me up. I answered with a chipper tone and new attitude. She asked what changed, and I said “I forgot who I was, I forgot what God had called me to.” And she said, “there it is…”
For these many days she was actively listening, asking me questions, and guiding me to self discovery. She knew this wasn’t a moment that I needed someone to give me all of the answers. I needed to figure this out on my own. Then she shared from her perspective what she had witnessed.
I had been setting aside myself (my dreams, my purpose, my vision) for someone else who was seeking my help. I was still seeking approval of certain people, in certain levels of position, in order to validate my calling and purpose. Instead of clinging to the ONE who had a plan for me before I was even conceived. I was so wrapped up in helping in that sphere, that other things and people we being set aside.
I wish I could tell you that this was a moment that happened ten years go. Or, that this was something that happened in my first few years of my walk. Truth is, this moment happened in September 2019. This year. This month. Just a few days ago.
Just because a person has been in Christ for decades, doesn’t mean we can’t get side tracked by what is “good”, what is “godly”, and others who come to use for help. It is easy to say no or avoid those things that are obviously bad, ungodly. It is not as easy to say no to good things, helpful things, and the things you can see God is orchestrating. It is also hard to not want to be a part of the work you see happening, even if is small unnoticeable ways.
Just because a person is a leader, speaker, author, or whatever other title following their name, doesn’t mean we can’t forget who we are & what God called us to do. Especially when presented with opportunities to participate in other good works.
As I came around this revelation, my friend pointed out the ongoing spiritual battles that have been happening our lives. But compared to even just one year ago, we noticed a few things were different this time. First, we recognized who was really at work in the confusion and chaos FASTER than ever before. Within the first day, we had already acknowledged the spiritual battle. Second, we responded BETTER and FASTER to those pokes and prods than we have in the past. We are sharpening our spiritual weapons and strengthening our spiritual defenses. Third, we didn’t battle any of it alone. Out the gate, we are bringing at least one other person into the situation for wise counsel and prayer.
A verse the Lord keeps bringing me back to is Deuteronomy 2:3, in which the Lord says “You have circled this mountain enough times, turn and go north.”
As the enemy attempted to use an old wound to get under my skin, I claimed victory against it. I spoke that verse out loud. “I’ve been around this mountain before. I’m not doing it again. I’m going a new direction.”
Instead of allowing myself to get caught up in circling the mountain, I needed to remember who I was (in Him) and what He has called me to do. I needed to see beyond the mountain. I needed to hit the road and travel there.
If you feel like you are circling the same mountain, and getting no where fast. Pray that the Lord would renew the vision in your heart and light a fire in you that will get you moving. Pray that He would illuminate the path away from the mountain and toward His calling for you.
If you feel like you are circling this mountain within a cloud of confusion, pray on the Spiritual Armor and pray for God’s armies, rebuke the enemy that is trying to confusion your path, and march forward.