“This is going to be hard.” I said, to my husband. He reminded me that God calls me to hard things.
“Some people are not going to like what I have to say.” I said, to my best friend. She suggested that perhaps this was the very reason I was in this moment. Exactly where God needed me to be.
“It’s kind of depressing. I don’t want to do this.” I said, in exasperation. A friend lovingly rebukes me.
A friend I hadn’t spoken to in some time called. “I need your help. I am trying to find someone who can walk me through this situation I am in.” – It happened to be the very thing I was writing about, and could speak truth to her.
“I’m proud of you mom. You are working hard at this, even though a publisher might not want it.” She said, as tears welled up in my eyes.
“I think when you get to heaven, God is going to call you one of the most faithful.”, said by my 17yo … not knowing I was swimming in doubt.
“I’ve not heard you speak with this excitement and energy since you were editing your last book.” , said the wise observer.
And these are just the instances that are easy to convey via a blog post.
There were the sleepless nights that preceded my obedience to the call, and then immediately nights of peaceful rest that followed once a surrendered.
How seemingly I have more time in my day, wading through resources and materials.
Journal entries and experiences from a year or more ago that made no sense at the time, but complete sense now. A preparation for days to come.
I feel it. The fire that burns. The energy that keeps me pushing through one more page, one more book, one more search.
I start to understand the “why me”.
I cried out to the Lord one day: “Lord, I must know that this is of you! So, I’m putting it all at the feet of the cross. I will not chase it, but you will supply it. You will keep me moving. You will put the information in front of me. Your thoughts are my thoughts. Your will is what I desire. If you set it before me, I will walk in that path. But, I will not carve a path of my own.”
And He did.
Don’t forget,o that I still have a chronic illness. Things like this should steal my energy, should wipe me out. Yet, I have the strength to endure. To keep running.
I press forward. Consumed by the work. Much like Noah toward the Ark, or Nehemiah toward the wall. Building. Shaping. Testing. Strengthening.